I live on the border of Texas and Mexico, and I’ve seen a lot of folks enter our good country illegally. When I heard our president say he was gonna build a wall to stop this, that sounded like a pretty good idea to me.
However, I also live right near an extremely savage wolf pack.
If that wall is built where they say it’s gonna be built, it’s gonna trap the wolves on this side of the fence. They will undoubtedly eat me, my family, and the rest of the town. So on behalf of everyone currently living in small towns on the Texas-Mexico border, I ask that you please do not build a giant border wall. My children’s lives depend on it.
The one time we had a camera crew out here from the news, the wolves attacked. And that was in broad daylight. I know it sounds spooky to say, but it’s like they knew.
From what I’ve gathered over the past few years, it appears as if the wolves go back and forth between attacking our quiet little Southern town and a neighboring Mexican village. It’s rarer nowadays that any of us get attacked, as we know to stay indoors as soon as the sun goes down. It happens—but it’s not as common as it once was. The wolves must get most of their food from the other village.
If you cut off their access to that village, they will be left with only one source of food: us. Now I’m not saying we need to make their access to any group of people—Mexican, American, whatever—easier, but we certainly don’t want our quiet little Southern town to become the one and only wolf restaurant in town.
I've already lost one daughter to the pack. I can’t lose another.
As a die-hard conservative, I believe in the right to bear arms. So do most of my neighbors. Back in the day, when the town was first started, a bunch of us tried to snuff out the wolves. We went into the mountains where they live and took our biggest guns. We had no idea we’d be outnumbered so greatly. Furthermore, we didn’t expect the wolves to be so well-adapted to being shot at. Some of them didn’t even flinch.
We lost a lot of men that day and ended up having to retreat. I think all in all we killed maybe four wolves, leaving us with about a hundred really pissed off ones.
Everyone who knows me knows I’m a patriot, but being eaten by a pack of mega-wolves with no natural predators, man or beast, ain’t exactly dying for your country. The president seems to have a good handle on who’s a threat to us (which right now totals out to everyone) but he can’t possibly know about these wolves.
Who would tell him?
The one time we had a camera crew out here from the news, the wolves attacked. And that was in broad daylight. I know it sounds spooky to say, but it’s like they knew. Like they knew they was about to get reported on. My hand trembles as I write this because I’m scared they might show up any second.
The only thing that brings me calm is the blood-curdling screams I’m hearing from the Mexican village. The wolves must be preoccupied at the moment.
I write this to you, my elected official, because I know you give a damn about your constituents, unlike those smarmy liberals. I need you to talk to the president. I need you to ask him to rethink the border wall. At the very least I need you to ask him to move it two miles east. As an elected official of this Republican-loyal state, you must have his ear.
If you think it will help, show him my letter. Just be discreet about it. I can’t shake the feeling that they’ll know, somehow. I might be imagining it, but even now I swear I can hear a scratch on the do–