To our valued employees at ICE,

We know life can get a bit boring patrolling the baby-cages. And maybe even a glimmer of conscience survived past orientation. Fortunately, here at ICE head-office, we’ve got just the thing to liven things up at the converted Walmart where you’re all busy making the world safe from refugee children.

Introducing ICE-breakers: ICE’s conversation starters for agents and immigrant children! These games are a sure-fire good time, all the time: before raids, during raids or after raids. But mostly after raids.

Two Truths And A Lie

This is a super fun one! Each person tells two truths and a lie about themselves, and everyone else has to guess which one’s the lie. Try to stump the kids. Here’s a good one, “My name is Susan, over 500 children are still separated from their families, and my favorite actor is Bradley Cooper.” But come on guys, it’s Tom Selleck.

Broken Telephone

This game is more fun with more players. So see how many children you can round up in your next raid! One player whispers a phrase to the second player, who whispers it to the third and so on, until the final person in the cage announces what they heard. It gets pretty crazy! One time the first player said that she had to leave Mexico because her cartel-member ex-husband was going to kill her and that her 2-year old daughter needed surgery and the last player said “I have watched ICE liberate towns from the grasp of MS-13 & clean out the toughest of situations. They are great!” Can you even imagine how confused that last player must have been?!

Desert Island Picks

This is an easy get-to-know-you game. Simply list what book you’d take to a desert island. It’s a tough question because it’s all you’ll get to read for the rest of your life. You might be surprised, lots of people say they’d bring the Bible. That’s a hard book for us to recommend because of all the parts in it about loving your neighbor and helping poor people. If the children ask for their parents, remind them they can’t bring them. Just their favorite book!

Never Have I Ever…

Each person takes a turn saying something wild they’ve never done and then, anyone who has done that thing takes a drink. You can’t give alcohol to the caged children (that would be morally wrong), but you could play this with juice, or injectable sedatives on-hand to quiet the children. Anyways, for example, someone might say, “Never have I ever… abandoned families at a bus station right before a hurricane hit!” and you would take a drink since that is something you have done.

No Smiling

Please note: we are no longer playing “No Smiling” as the children always win.

Who am I?

This is a fun guessing game: Everyone gets a post-it with the name of a famous person stuck on their forehead and they have to ask questions until they correctly guess who it is. You may find that the children lack an ICE agent’s expertise about America’s hottest starts—Tawny Kitaen, for example. However, they do get to watch Moana during the 22 hours they’re locked inside daily, so Dwayne Johnson is a fun choice. As a bonus, this game of self-identity is great practice for when the children are released and no longer recognize their mothers.

Scavenger Hunt

This one is so fun, it’s like an adventure! Everyone gets a list of items around the ICE facility and whoever finds the most items and delivers them to the site supervisor wins. What we’re going to be looking for in particular is any and all evidence that implicates ICE in the death of a toddler who had been in our custody. Our lawyers recommend this game be played as soon as possible.

The One-Word Game

Everyone splits into two groups and are given 10 minutes to come up with a one-word answer to a seemingly simple question. So, for example, we would ask “What do you think of our company culture?” and each group would have to debate and discuss what one word best sums up ICE’s culture. Some group members may need some encouragement to come of out of their “shells” (i.e. cages), but keep at it and you’ll get some great contributions. Please remind group members that crying is not a word. Nonsense words like malo, malvado, and satánico are incorrect. The correct answer is “heroic”.

These ICEbreakers are the perfect way to show the caged children what a caring, loving, and humanitarian country we’ve got here in the U.S.A!