I currently live with three roommates, and all of us attend the college down the street. We started off as the best of friends, but lately, my roommates have been a bit hostile towards me. They even suggested I look for somewhere else to sleep every once in a while. At least I took it as a suggestion. They say it was more of a demand. And that it was less of an “every once in a while” thing and more that they want me to sleep elsewhere every night and also not be there during the day.

I just don’t get it. We are all pretty similar, but like all roommates, we all have our fun little personalities. One is very studious and hard-working, one is very quiet and peaceful, one is very serious and hates pranks (actually they all claim to hate pranks), and I, well I am the lovable prankster of the group!

In every sitcom I have ever seen, there is one roommate who is just fun-loving and crazy and pulls elaborate and sometimes moderately illegal pranks. That guy is always my favorite character. So, I decided that I would be that guy in our house. My roommates all claimed that they did not want me to be the prankster because pranks were dumb and I already seemed “moderately insane and potentially dangerous”. But I know they were just jealous that I claimed this archetype first!

However, now that it has been a few months and I have pulled some absolutely classic pranks on these suckers, for some reason, they want me out. To help you see my side, though I am sure you are already on my side, I thought I would run through a few of my favourite pranks and how they overreacted and got way too angry. It’s just a prank bro, you can’t get mad.

Prank #1: Putting a live snake in the toilet
This one happened early in the year. Seeing as all my roommates are city kids, and I am more of a sexy country boy, I thought I would prank them with some wildlife. I grew up playing with snakes all the time. Many would say I was drawn to things that would kill me because I had no real friends and so I had nothing to lose. Truth is I just love snakes. So, I waited until they had all had their morning coffee, then dropped a snake in the toilet. It was a nice big one, but only moderately venomous. Well, they all flipped a shit. Said I was trying to kill them. They demanded I get the snake out and then went use the bathroom downstairs. Boy, they were even angrier when they found out I had put a rabid badger in that one.

Prank #2: Encased one roommate's head in Jello
A lovable prankster who I am often inspired by is Jim from The Office. One of his classic pranks is putting Dwight’s stuff in Jello. I thought I would take it up a step, by encasing one of my roommates’ heads in Jello while they slept. Apparently, despite the fact that I pulled it off perfectly and they looked ridiculous, this prank was also “Not Funny.” Okay, so I forgot to leave air-holes so they could breathe, but we did CPR and they were technically dead for two and a half minutes. Not my fault. The prankster can’t think of everything, and it was still a classic, baby.

Prank #3: Dipping all of my roommates blunts in gasoline
Seeing as weed is legal here in Canada, my roommates thought they would celebrate with some joints that they had still bought from their drug dealer, because fuck the government, man. Well, I had other plans. Before they could light up, I discreetly dipped all of their joints in gasoline. When they went to light the blunt and take a toke, one of my roommates’ faces fully caught fire. It was hilarious. According to my kill-joy roommates though, it was not funny, and nor was refusing to help put out the fire and instead cooking marshmallows on my roommates’ face-fire. They are such babies. So, what? One guy has a mildly burned face and also, we all inhaled a lot of gasoline-smoke which is apparently super carcinogenic. They just don’t seem to realize that sometimes, in a prank-war, these things just happen. Definitely no one’s fault, and nothing anyone should get in trouble for.

Prank #4: Replacing one of my roommates' lube with super glue
Okay, maybe I can see how a line was crossed on this one. But we were all really into the prank war at this point, and I was not about to let anyone out-prank me. The best way to not let anyone out-prank you is to just constantly barrage them with pranks and never let them get a prank in edge-wise even if they claim they don’t want to pull any pranks and that they are not participating in any prank war. So I absolutely had to replace my roommate’s lube with super glue. He complains that due to this prank, 18% of his penis had to be surgically removed. I think he will look back on this and laugh though, when in a few years I bring up the picture of him stuck inside of his girlfriend at their wedding. Sure, he says there won’t be a wedding since she broke up with him because she claims he is friends with a maniacal, future serial-killer. I think she was just hysterical from having a penis super glued inside of her anus for 14 straight hours and then having to spend two weeks in hospital. I think she’ll probably take him back once she heals up. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hilarious though.

So, these are the best pranks I’ve pulled on these suckers. Still can’t believe they want me out, though. I mean, everyone loves the adorable and clever prankster. It’s just how it goes.

P.S. If you have a room available, give me a shout. You won’t regret it, I’m a lot of fun to have around.

P.P.S. I don’t know where you are, I don’t know who you are but by reading this, you have officially entered a prank war with me. It’s on.