Hello to everyone out there in cyberspace, it’s me, Brock Yeager, international daredevil extraordinaire! Of course you know me from my many feats of derring-do, which I carry out across the far corners of the world, and broadcast to you, my adoring fans, on my own personal YouTube channel.
I’m sure you saw my latest harrowing stunt, jumping my specially-modified Triumph motorcycle over all of the Tesla Model 3s currently in existence (that would be 25, if you’re counting). As I donned my specially-designed motorcycle helmet, my good friend Elon turned to me, eyes wide with fear and dread.
“Brockmeister,” he said, “do you really think you can make this jump? Because I can literally only make like three of these cars a day.”
I just turned to him with my trademark grin. “Musk Man,” I laughed, “of course I can make this jump! I’m Brock Freaking Yeager!”
“Let’s Brock and Roll!”
Last month, as I'm sure you witnessed, I locked myself in a small windowless chamber for eleven hours, along with several (four) ravenous Komodo Dragons. Before entering this chamber of horrors, my charge d’affaires and lover, former Miss Uganda Penelope Nalule, rushed to my side.
“Brock,” she exclaimed, “you cannot do this very perilous stunt! It is far too perilous! You are literally putting yourself between a Brock and a hard place!”
I just turned to her and gave her my trademark thumbs up.
“Stand aside,” I commanded, “because beautiful, I am about to Brock your world!”
I know what you’re all thinking: Brock, please, we’re begging you, stop doing these crazy, death-defying stunts! You’re going to be seriously injured or killed! And none of us can face the thought of a world without Brock Yeager in it!
Well my adoring fans, I have to tell you this. I cannot stop, no more than a llama can stop from spitting. Liquid danger courses through my veins! I must continue to push myself to the brink and beyond!
Which is exhausting, I have to tell you. A week ago I climbed the Burj Khalifa, the world’s tallest building, without any ropes or nets to protect me at all. The very next day, my arch rival and nemesis, Boris Constantine Kalashnikov, made the same climb, blindfolded and during a sand storm. Curse you, Kalashnikov!
Which is why, I am today announcing to the world and to my fans, a feat so utterly reckless and dangerous my rivals will never dare to rival it!
I have, this very morning, painted my Social Security Number and mother’s maiden name on the side of my house.
You must be terrified and aghast! Let me give you a minute.
You should also know that I have used not ordinary paint, but reflective paint that can easily be seen at night. Also, each letter and number is a full three feet high, as you can plainly see. Finally, this side of my house is partially visible from the highway, adding an extra element of excruciating danger.
You must be on the very edge of your seats, cringing with fright, hiding your eyes, your brains screaming, Brock! Brock! What have you done!!!
Never fear, my fans. Just as Brock Yeager emerged unscathed from a tank full of barracudas, squids, sharks, and clown fish, so too will I emerge unscathed from this latest, horrifying stunt.
And now, prepare to have your minds completely blown: The name of my first pet was Otto.