I’m so good, so good at everything. The best, the best people, the best fans, the best president. Best Neopets, even. You know Neopets? The little pets online. They’re like animals, like animals in the world, but magical and on the computer. So fun, and I’m the best.

I have the most Neopoints. These Neopoints, they’re just terrific. You can buy whatever you want. I like to buy paintbrushes, these magical paintbrushes. I paint my pets every color, every color you can imagine. Christmas, candy, ghost, all the colors.

And I know all the tricks. Nobody knows the tricks better than me. I know the tricks better than, better than the creators of Neopia. They’ve told me that. Ask them, just ask them. They ask me, even, how I got so many Neopoints. But I’ll never tell, I’ll never tell them about Tombola and the Fruit Machine and Coltzan’s Shrine and the Wheel of Excitement. My secrets.

The real estate market in Neopia, I develop the land in Neopia, I have the best properties. Invest so many Neopoints in my Neohomes. But worth it, so worth it. People come from all over to look at my Neohome, to see how I live. Marshmallow walls, gold toilets. Luxury, so luxurious.

Sometimes people say to me, “Why don’t you give more Neopoints away at the Money Tree?” I tell them, I explain, I remind. You don’t need to feed your pets. It’s perfect. They can’t die. They just get hungry and they cry, but who cares? I don’t care. They look so cute, nobody cares if they’re hungry. And if you feel bad, and I’ve never felt bad, grab some free omelets in Tyrannia. Another one of my secrets. Never pay. Never pay for anything.

I’ll even create a new account. Cheat the system. Makes me smart, cheating. Play games in my second account, trade with my original account—buy an old boot for a million Neopoints. The game I play to rack up points, it’s even called Cheat. I like that, means a lot to me. Not illegal, no rules in Neopia. Or if there are and they come after me, I’ll escape to Mystery Island. I bet the women there don’t wear tops.

It’s easy, really. Well, easy for me. For others, probably so hard. But I’m smart, I’m so good at Neopets. My pets are so cute. Their petpets are so cute. I have so many Neopoints in the bank, I have so many codestones in my safety deposit box, I have so many faeries trapped in bottles that I can use in battles.

Great game, Neopia is such a fun universe. You should play if you don’t, folks, I’m telling you. You’ll love it, it’s terrific. But you won’t be better than me. I’m the best. I’m the best.