So many problems. Too many, lots of them. Loads. Started with Obama and Hillary and sometimes even, sometimes Bush. The second Bush. First Bush, so long ago, not relevant, totally irrelevant, some say. A lot to handle as president, crises all over. But I handle them so well, the best there is. Only me. And when a big issue comes up that only I can solve, I like to go to one of my hotels. Or not big issues. All the time, really, I stay at my properties. Now you can too.

No White House, no White House. My hotels, people, where it all gets done. Food, drinks, beds, windows, you name it. We’ve got it all. Leaders from around the world, they look at my hotels and they stay there. They come up to me, we have meetings, so many meetings and I’m always busy since I’m in charge, they all say to me they want me to build a hotel in their country. Palaces, buildings, whatever they got, not as good as mine. You can also experience them, easy.

Sometimes, gotta get away. Still work, but also relax. Space will be filled soon, reserve now.

Tomorrow, fake media will report “Trump uses his office to sell his hotels,” but we know, I know, you know, even the lying media knows nobody cares, everybody loves me and loves hearing about my hotels. Good even during national emergencies. All the best amenities, the best… things. But reporters, the biggest lie ever told. Shame. Not advertising, not selling. Not my style, don’t even need to. My properties are so perfect, they do it themselves. Don’t even need to make this speech. Most fantastic in the world. Absolutely gorgeous, absolutely.

I’m saying, my administration, whatever we’re dealing with, immigrants, or ISIS, or voter fraud, you name it, we bunker down in one of my hotels to fix it perfectly. How could we not? Come on. Comfortable, I’m used to a certain level of it, the comfort. Soft beds, pillows, showers with the good water pressure, the best. Like a water massage, I say. Gorgeous women everywhere. With the bodies and everything. Can all be yours too for a reasonable price.

Not advertising my products. Unethical. Sell themselves, these hotels. People try to stay, we don’t even have room. Not a single room. Vacancy? Not here. The electoral landslide, huge, some say, the biggest ever, people want a part of that. But we have some vacancies. Get on board. They had a part, with the winning, now they want a bigger part. The rooms and the beds. Not pushing my products. Bad things happen, and I like to go to my properties. Good things too. Anytime, really. Open to public, buyers everywhere, so act fast.

Mar-a-Lago. Part of history, get the presidential treatment, you too. Trump Tower in New York. Tall. Trump Tower in Chicago, away from the war zone. Shootings and death, not near me. Every direction, up, down, I built them all. Brand. And class, oh my god the class, pure class. Everybody wants. Can’t blame them, I want them, lucky I got ’em. Well, not lucky. Hard work. The greatest work, can’t repeat it enough. Keeping everybody safe. White House doesn’t cut it, can’t always cut it. Gotta be a Trump property. Has to. Sometimes, gotta get away. Still work, but also relax. Space will be filled soon, reserve now.

White House isn’t covered in gold. White. That’s the name. Not gold house, not a silver house. Bronze, not even, bronze. Could it be the Gold House? Not enough money, deficit under Obama. No shining, sparkling. Boring, I hear a lot, pathetic. But my properties all over the world, you see them, you try them, no disappointment ever, ever… ever. Trump property is best property.

Golfing and swimming and seeing the women in the bathing suits. Me, no time, not enough. Stay there all the time, still can’t enjoy them. Very sad. Couldn’t do that to the wonderful people who voted for me in the biggest win ever. Visit, buy, stay. Best deals. Sleep in same building, hear meetings and decisions, see famous advisors everywhere. Share ideas with President Donald J. Trump. Better book now, before something really bad happens and it’s too late.