I Will Be Moving the Vatican Embassy to Heaven
Embassies, so complicated. So complex, I would say. Where do they go, who works there, what country are they technically in?
Comedy Writing
Even If We Ban Guns, Someone Would Invent a Machine With a Different Name That Does the Same Thing
The liberals, they're wrong, we can't ban guns. Even if we made guns illegal, someone would reinvent guns and just call them something else.
Transcript of Donald Trump’s Interview with Sean Hannity
Let's get right into the meat of it: immigration. We're going to stop saying "carne" in this country, aren't we, Mr. President?
I Heard Robert Mueller is a Draft-Dodging Sexual Predator
This Mueller character, looking into "collusion," he's the worst of the bunch. Many sources have told me he's a draft dodger and sexual predator.
I Serve White House Guests the Nicest Bottles of Diet Coke
Entertaining guests at the White House, huge part of being president. I drink Diet Coke from cans, but only the best for guests: bottles or fountain.
Parents Need Better Access to Affordable Child Pageants
Expensive these days, having kids and taking care of them. It's hard for parents out there without easy access to affordable child pageants.
I Am the Best Neopets Player in All of Neopia
You know Neopets? The little pets online. They're like animals, like animals in the world, but magical and on the computer. So fun, and I'm the best.
We Need Filibuster Reform, Which is a Shame Because I Love the Word “Filibuster”
So difficult to get things done with the Senate always getting in the way, but these filibusters, they make it hard. We need filibuster reform, even if it is such a fun word to say.
That Episode of Fox & Friends the Other Day was So Good
My favorite show, after The Apprentice of course, is Fox & Friends. I was watching an episode the other day, so good, so much about me, had to make a speech about it here.
The Haters and Losers Forget I Defeated ISIS in 30 Days
Haters and losers, folks, haters and losers. So many stupid people, ignoring the facts. Don't even remember I got rid of ISIS in my first 30 days.
I’m the Only Thing Standing Between You and That Freak Mike Pence
Mike Pence, best vice president, maybe ever. Problem though: he's a nutcase. Totally unhinged. And I'm the only one preventing that freak from taking power.
The End of the World Will Get Such Great Ratings
Ratings only gonna get better, only higher with all this North Korea drama. I'm telling you, the end of the world is gonna do so well on TV.