So much debate around issues these days, and guns are one of the issues. You see these shootings all the time now, wow. Mass carnage. Death. What to do? Who knows? I know, I know. But the liberals, they’re wrong, we can’t ban guns. Even if we made guns illegal, someone would reinvent guns and just call them something else.

It would be chaos, folks. Absolute… chaos. Picture it, picture it. We make all the guns illegal. No more guns. Having a gun is against the law. But then someone builds a gun, and we try to take it away, and he says “No, it’s not a gun. It’s a ‘blasty-thingy.’” And that’s just a name I made up off the top of my head. Many more possible names.

Holds up in court, I think. I checked. Can’t beat it. He keeps the gun, and that’s dangerous. Who defines what a “gun” really is? Too hard for most. So no people would own guns, except for some nutty guy out there with a machine gun that he calls a “smoke pole” and it's totally legal. Completely. Another cool name, very cool. But problems, so many problems.

Can’t take it away—a smoke pole isn’t a gun—and then BLAM, he kills tons of people and nobody can stop him because nobody has a gun or even a smoke pole. And nobody can take away his smoke pole because it’s a smoke pole and not a gun. You understand.

Plus, and I just thought of this right now, there’s no accounting for new types of weapons being made if we made guns illegal. Innovation, it would happen: a machine that shoots knives out really fast. More new weapons that I can’t even say, also with cool names. Scary stuff, but not guns. Wouldn’t work, policy-wise.

Keeping guns legal, we have a level playing field. No confiscating guns from everyone except the really evil guy who tells the cops, “this isn’t called a gun.” The cops, they can’t prove him wrong. Or they take it and he makes a weapon that kills even more people. To make sure the good guys have guns, we need to keep guns legal. Logical sense.

The gun issue, fixed. Over. Don’t worry, guns will stay legal. Otherwise, someone with a gun sneaks by because it has another name. Keeping America safe, one gun at a time.