Why are People Talking About My Son Instead of Ivanka?
My children, folks, so beautiful, so terrific. But one still stands out, the gorgeous Ivanka. So all this talk about Don Jr., all these fake news stories, who cares?
Comedy Writing
The Wall Was Just a Racist Metaphor
I hear these liberals saying, "Look, President Trump hasn't done anything—no wall!" Didn't get that when I said "build a wall," it was just a racist metaphor.
When I Need to Handle International Crises, I Stay in a Lovely Trump Hotel
Mar-a-Lago, Trump Tower in New York, Trump Tower in Chicago, all safely outside the war zone. Every single direction, up, down, I built them all.
Melania Hates Me, But at Least I Still Have the Support of the American People
You've all seen Melania being cold to me. No hand holding, eye rolls, ignoring, walking separately, bad, bad. But I'm not upset because at least the American people still love me.
You Won’t Need Healthcare for Long, Trust Me
No sense in paying all this money for Obamacare when the end is near. Expensive, too expensive, when we're all going to die anyway. You should love the AHCA.
You’d Play Golf Too If You Were Trying to Ignore the Suffering of Millions of People
Get lots of bad press for golf, bad, but you’d spend most of your time golfing too if you were trying to distract yourself from everyone’s problems.
We Must Investigate How SNL Has Me on the Show Every Week Even Though I’m Not in the Studio
I watch SNL and I see me in every episode, but I wasn’t on the show recently. Haven’t in a long time, I’m not in the studio. So why do I see myself on the screen week after week after week?
The Only Trustworthy News Sources Are the Post-Its Steve Bannon Leaves Me
Those little yellow stickies are the only place you can trust for good news. Well I mean “good” like “real,” because sometimes the news, it isn't so good.
If I’m Anti-Semitic, Why’d I Make Jared Kushner Senior Economic and Media Adviser?
The Jews are so good, they almost remind me of myself. Always dealing. So I keep Jared right next to me. Keeping an eye on him.
I Don’t Have Ties to Russia, Russia Has Ties to Me
How can I have ties to Russia? The best people, all the people, really, but mostly the best, have said I don’t. And they're working for me now.
I’m Totally Against Abortion, Except in Cases of Ugly Women
We all know abortion is wrong. Bad. But sometimes the mother is so disgusting and fat from being pregnant, we really don't want that baby.