My children, folks, so beautiful, so terrific. The best children of any president, I would say, ever. But one still stands out, the gorgeous Ivanka. Isn’t she gorgeous? So all this talk about Don Jr., all these fake news stories, who cares? Should be talking more about Ivanka. Only Ivanka.

So brilliant. She runs family businesses, all my businesses. I divested, no interest in them anymore, President of the United States, gotta be unbiased. And she still helps out with the administration, so much help. Does both. She does it all. And gorgeous. What a body. These reports about Don Jr. meeting with Russians—never even happened, never, never—could be all about how amazing my daughter is instead. What a waste.

Don Jr. never met with the Russians. Ask him, he’ll explain. Good kid, he’s a good boy. I talked to him, he explained everything. Totally fake news, fake news media. Ivanka, though. Where are the stories about Ivanka? Should be everywhere. Every front page, all Ivanka every day. Nobody wants to see Don Jr. on a cover.

All my kids, so involved in my administration. The best help, the best advisers. Not illegal, trust me. Believe me, not illegal. Totally legitimate. But these Russia stories, you know, you’ve seen them, you’ve heard them, you’ve seen them. Not about Ivanka, no need to pay attention, that’s what I say, that’s what I do. Change the channel.

No collusion. These Putin lies. Never met the guy. Would remember if I did, I got a great memory. Meanwhile I remember everything Ivanka does. What a woman. I’ve said it before, “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” Not Don Jr., though, wouldn’t be dating Eric either. Not Barron. Ivanka, more my type. My type.

Ivanka never met with the Russians. Don Jr. didn’t either, but Ivanka definitely didn’t. Why is this a story? Don’t get it, really stupid, very dumb. Stories about people other than Ivanka, that’s why these newspapers and channels are failing. Me and Ivanka, best thing for ratings, best thing for numbers. The two of us.

And isn’t she something? Isn’t she beautiful? The legs. Couldn’t have met with the Russians, no secret meetings. Got my eye on her all the time. Always know where Ivanka is, my job, her father, the president. Don Jr., he’s not Ivanka. I know Ivanka, he’s not her.

The media, the lying press. Phony stories about my kids. Off limits, I say. Not a part of my administration, private life, personal. Well, they help, but you know. You understand. Not politicians. Neither am I. Don Jr., so off limits. Only stories about Ivanka are okay.

You understand why I love Ivanka so much, you can see, you understand, don’t need to tell you. After all, she’s my only daughter.

READ NEXT: