“New York State’s parks department is getting 10 new drones to help keep an eye out for sharks this summer, Gov. Kathy Hochul recently announced, in addition to eight it’s already using. ”  —Axios

Hi, this is Col. Rick Pesci, director of the Office of Marine Safety. We want to make Summer 2023 the safest, most fun season ever not only for us sharks, but for all fish and their families. But first, the OMS needs to address an issue that has many of you smelling delicious blood in the water.

Yes, the accounts are true: humans have acquired new aerial drones to fly over coastal areas and photograph us 24/7, even while we are eating and breeding, also 24/7.

These “waterazzi” drones not only violate our privacy and civil liberties, but any claims that drones are a more “humane” alternative to nets and undersea traps should be ripped into bite-sized shreds and acidized in our J-shaped stomachs.

We had to move some revenue around, but the OMS has obtained eight state-of-the-art drones to monitor human activities. Now sharks will watch them eat and breed in real-time. It’s fascinating. In fact, I could easily watch a whole week of this in slickly packaged, one-hour chunks.

Some of you have argued that this is negotiating with terrorists, and I hear you. But I don’t see how we protect our undersea community without a fleet of completely autonomous quadcopters with thermal cameras, laser rangefinders, and vertical take-off and landing capabilities. Can’t be done.

Now if some homo sapien kid is running into the surf with a spear gun and a crazy look in his weirdly expressive eyes, OMS drones will spot him before he spots us —and then shoot his uncle with a spear. Like he did last summer. Twice. Derek.

Generations of sloppy overbreeding have made this species—I don’t want to say dumb—highly unpredictable. And while it’s true that their clumsy dog paddling and tiny baby teeth pose a minimal threat to us, don’t forget alcohol. One rogue Asbury Park teenager on a Jet Ski is a danger to every link on the food chain. We see you, Tyler.

Data from early drone tests confirm what we suspected: in the summer humans largely stay in their own habitat, turn the air conditioning way down and blame others for not having more material possessions, humans whom they, oddly, do not put directly into their mouths.

I say this every summer but it bears repeating: even if it’s in self-defense, and even if we ARE weeding out the extra stupid ones, eating humans is PROHIBITED. It’s that kind of thinking that scares the bi-peds into making films that demonize us. Worse, with CGI, they can make tons of shark movies without having to compensate our actors. It really is a savage business.

Friends, keep in mind this is a perilous time for humans as a species. Their leadership structures are breaking down. They routinely vote against their own interests. Humans who are scared and angry seem all too happy to make us the scape-shark.

Give them a wide berth. Avoid the beaches. Don’t eat anybody. We’ll keep an eye on those sunburned drunks with our sweet new quadcopters.

It’s summer so the number of human sightings is likely to increase—that doesn’t necessarily mean there are more humans around than before. Sometimes a shark will CLAIM to have spotted a human in the water nearby, but it’s usually a teenager just trying to get attention. He might be jealous of our wicked new drones and, gotta say, who could blame him? I see you, Kyle. This is what happens when you don’t eat.

On behalf of everyone here at OMS, have a wonderful safe summer. Leave the humans to us. I think you’ll agree that our boss new surveillance drones are a baller safety choice moving forward. That’s the thing about sharks: we always move forward.