Hello, my name is Regal Riot, and I am a horse.

I’m really just here to say that you can absolutely put a cart before me. I am perfectly capable of driving as long as the attachment mechanism is strong. Depending on cart weight, it might not be feasible on an incline; but on a flat surface, I can absolutely push a cart instead of pulling it.

I don’t know where you all got this idea that horses only pull. What’s that about? In fact, you all say a lot of things about horses that you all just kind of let roll right off your tiny, stubby human tongues. They make no sense.

Unless you want to take my—an actual horse's—word for it.

Like “don’t beat a dead horse,” I mean I get this one. And I endorse it, for sure. But you shouldn’t beat a live horse either. We’re really going as fast as we can, and it’s a little disconcerting that we’re being constantly told that our corpses are more valuable than our actual bodies. Like insult without injury is… still insult, you know?

But why listen to an actual horse when you can listen to not a horse?

Although, speaking of our actual bodies, you should absolutely look a gift horse in the mouth. The age of a horse can be determined by looking at its teeth, and that horse has to be around all of your other horses. So, it is in the best interest of your stable to do your due diligence on any new members. It’s not fair to burden us with the emotional labor of figuring out the stall next to us now houses an oldie with antiquated views on Stallion/Arabian relationships. As the actual saying goes, “a free horse is not a healthy horse.”

But fuck it, who am I? Just a real horse I guess…

And call me the Social Justice Cavalry all you want, but “getting off your high horse” is problematic, too. Horses of all heights deserve a say in whether or not they have people on their backs. You should absofrakinglutely get off any horse who doesn’t want you riding him or her.

And can we quit with the freaking stereotyping? Some of my best friends identify as high horses and honestly they are very game for a good trail ride, and I don’t feel like they enable elitism at all. So really that’s not something you need to put on us. And technically with our current (and completely deserved) market value, riding any horse is a symbol of status and a perpetuation of modern income inequality. But who would actually take the time to ask a goddamn horse about goddamn horse shit.

Straight from the horse’s mouth, my ass.

Neigh or whatever,

P.S. If you put a mint leaf in the water, we will drink out of whatever well, spring, or trough you lead us to.