So you’ve gone forth and multiplied. Well done, my man! It’s only a matter of time before Thanos emerges like a genie from a bottle of whey protein to tell you that it’s time to shut down shop. Naturally, your johnson would still like to be in on the action at the homefront—yet why would you put your vas deferens in the hands of someone who only “practices” medicine? Here’s how to keep the doc away from your junk so that you can have the most shredded, ripped vasectomy ever!
1. Avoid the hospital.
Doctors are for women, children, and Abercrombie & Fitch shoppers. That’s why when the precious little wifey picks up the phone and tries to arrange an appointment for the ol’ snip-snip, you’ll put down your 250-pound barbell and gently tell her that you can take care of this yourself. You don’t need a doctor. You’re a man with capable hands and a predilection for do-it-yourself projects.
2. Assemble your crew.
All you’ll need are a few buddies to bear witness to this noble rite. In place of an actual invitation, just grunt meaningfully the next time you and the guys are cooking venison over an open fire. As you sink your teeth into bloody flesh you stalked and killed yourself, they’ll know you’ve summoned them to the manliest of sacraments. Don’t be surprised if Arnold Schwarzenegger materializes.
3. Choose the right location.
You’ve avoided the hospital because you don’t want bright lights, medical professionals, or God forbid, sterile instruments. While Hooters would welcome your low-key chauvinism and AutoZone would hearten you with its comprehensive selection of tires, what you really want is your man cave. Not only will this provide all the comforts of home, but it will also offer the ideal lighting for the Insta shoot you’ll use to document your foray into guerilla medicine #nolimits.
4. Be prepared.
You were in Boy Scouts, right? Back before they started getting all inclusive and shit? That’s why you’ll be ready. Forget about painkillers—painkillers are for the weak. You’ll need nothing more than a multi-tool, a strip of rawhide to bite down on, and your manly pride. Then turn the amp up to eleven as you play “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” Finally, arrange for the ol’ ball-and-chain to keep sending down the nachos and wings—Brad, Thad, and Chad will need something to wash down with their Pibbers.
5. Ascend the ritual altar.
Opt for your workbench—the one you and Chad hammered together using wood reclaimed from your uncle’s old slaughterhouse. Clear the bench with one powerful swipe from your arm and watch nuts, bolts, and screws fall to the floor like confetti. Use the belly of your greasy chainsaw as a pillow. As your brave hands find their way to your nether-scrot, think of how proud your grandfather would be if he could see you now.
6. Get ‘er done.
Normal men might ask for local anesthesia, but because you’re a real man, you’ll just send round a few shots of Jim Beam. Quaff that shot and then howl like Allen Ginsburg channeling Rambo. Then with just a dusty mirror, a Leatherman, and a diagram from Mr. Monroe’s sixth-grade sex ed class, cut off the lifeline to your family jewels. In lieu of stitches, use your trusty Stanley T50 Staple Gun.
7. Make a dramatic exit.
Ignore the tenderness in your crotch as you mount your Harley-Davidson and roar off to the gym, revving your engine loudly enough to split the eardrums of that poodle-owning momma’s boy who lives across the street. Unlike him, you now have the ultimate freedom: the ability to shoot blanks from the hip. Just remember to send your thanks up to Thanos when you slam your next protein shake at CrossFit.