Listen to the audio performance by Steven Markow!

We’re gathered here today because I said this was a dinner party, but actually it’s a funeral for my houseplants. Sorry. But there will be snacks and wine after the ceremony, if any of you brought some. Otherwise, this is just going to be me eulogizing all the plants that I accidentally killed, either through negligence or just going with whatever popped into my head when I thought, “How much water and sunlight does this one need?”

Einstein was a Ponytail Palm that my sister got me when she visited from L.A. a couple months ago. And just like the Einstein from Science, this Ponytail Palm had an eccentric intelligence, but no grace. It fell off the small shelf I hammered above my bed so many times. What can I say, I’m all about DIY culture, especially when it comes to knowing how to care for a living thing. Apparently, Ponytail Palms need lots of sunlight and very little water, and it got a hell of a lot of the opposite of that. So much like the Einstein from Science, you shall be missed!

Jake was a Snake Plant I bought myself, thinking it was either made of snakes or maybe just a magnet for them. They’re also known as the “Good Luck” plant, and I guess in retrospect it was good luck that it wasn’t a magnet for snakes, which is one of those ideas that sounds awesome as a nickname, but is bad and scary in life. I considered Jake a Goth because I was told it could live happily in near dark, but like any good friend, I wanted Jake to get out more, make some friends, maybe some snakes so I could get my money’s worth. But unfortunately, Snake Plants really can’t handle the sun, or having buckets of water poured on it on Waterpark Day, which is a holiday I made up that falls on every day of the week. Despite still not fully getting what you were, I’ll never forget you.

Ah, the Bird of Paradise! I don’t know why plant-namers named so many plants after animals. It’s like, if I want my apartment to be a zoo, I’ll dump my garbage on the ground and leave the windows open for a week again. It didn’t totally work the first two times, but third time’s a charm. And charm is something Iago certainly had. My girlfriend got it for me and said it was the only thing in my apartment that didn’t make her some amount of sad. But unfortunately, Iago was too fragile for the harsh environment of anywhere near me. Iago’s health took a turn for the worse after I read that its leaves were poisonous and shouted, “We’ll see about that!” At one point, I thought Iago and I were going to pass away together, but no, for some reason it only happened to something else again.

And lastly, let us remember the Peace Lily that Jeff brought at the beginning of this dinner party. Apparently, it likes a humid environment, but you said it was an “air purifier” so I figured if I sort of shoved into the air conditioner, I’d kill two birds. Instead, I only killed one plant. Sorry about that, Jeff.

Well, that’s all of them, from 2018 at least. I’m not even going to start with 2017 because we’ll be here for a week. Dear plant friends, you left us too soon. Like maybe if you lasted a little longer, my girlfriend would stop calling me The Plant Reaper, at least until I can afford to get it tattooed over Snake Magnet.

In conclusion, I’d just like to say, I hope their souls have gone to a better place, which honestly is anywhere but my apartment.

Now who brought snacks?