From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Miracle KPIs

Morning Jesus,

Just touching base with you on this month’s miracles. As you know, miracles are one of our key performance indicators this quarter and we’re really counting on you to knock it out of the park. Loved what you did with the loaves and the fishes—good stuff. Not as big of a fan as turning water into wine. Real talk: It seemed a little derivative of the loaves and fishes deal. If you want to be the industry-disrupting messiah we both know you can be, I’ll be expecting you to bring your creative A-game next time. Please provide a list of the miracles you’re planning to perform the rest of the month and include target dates.

Thanks,
Phil


From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Sensitivity to smells

Jesus – Would you have a quick chat with Mary Magdalene about office etiquette and perfumes? I’m receiving some complaints from some team members with sensitive noses about an overwhelming frankincense smell from her workspace. I trust you’ll be discreet. Thanks, P.


From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Time management

Hey Jesus,

Just sending you a note to let you know I’ve registered you for a time management webinar. I know you’re passionate about spending time with the lepers, but you have other job duties, and to be frank with you, it seems like it’s taking up more of your time than it should. Make sure you’re keeping a close eye on that sundial and maybe consider scheduling shorter “power sessions” to heal the sick in smaller chunks. Just a thought. Please write me a summary of what you learn in the webinar and how you plan to implement strategic efficiency moving forward with the infirm and the wretched.

Best,
Phil


From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Email signature

Jesus — head’s up, please make sure to update your email signature to match the company template. It should be in 12 pt. Calibri font, and should not include “of Nazareth.” Also, bear in mind that although you are always available as a personal saviour, including that in your signature line may cause confusion about the proper place to route internal requests. Thanks.


From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Apostle performance reviews

Jesus,

Performance reviews are right around the corner and it’s important that you’re taking enough time to work on professional development with your team. I did love the baptism shots you sent of John and I can’t wait to get those on the intranet. To be frank, though, I am concerned that you’re not providing immediate feedback to the rest of the apostles. Paul has consistently been ten minutes late due to “camel trouble.” Have you had a coaching conversation with him about the expectation he has reliable transportation to work?

Judas in particular let me know he feels like he’s not receiving the developmental feedback he needs to be successful in his role. I’m concerned he may escalate those concerns, possibly to HR or the Pharisees.

I know your calendar is packed with pre-sermon sessions for the TED Talk on the Mount, but let’s talk about a plan to make sure your team is adequately supported. Also, I noticed you rescheduled the time management webinar due to calming that storm. I understand emergencies happen, but this is important to your own development.

Thanks,
Phil


From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Potluck

Hi Jesus,

I’m following up to make sure you’ve sent out the potluck sign up for the Last Supper. When we spoke on Wednesday, you said you were too busy preparing for a sacrifice of your life. I know we all have projects that feel like a huge sacrifice, but potlucks and similar activities are important to morale and team building. Please make the potluck planning a priority.

In your role as messiah, it’s expected you’ll fully participate in the potluck. Maybe walk out into the middle of the fountain in the courtyard and set up the grill? That could be fun. Remember your attitude sets the tone for these types of events and it’s important to keep everyone engaged.

Let me know when this goes out and you can put me down for bringing lil’ smokies.

Regards,
Phil


From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Time management webinar

Jesus — Just heard about the crucifixion. Tough break. I hate to ask, but is there any way you could look at this as an opportunity to multitask and knock out that time management webinar while you’re up there?


From: Johnson, Phil K.
To: Christ, Jesus H.
Re: Attendance

Hi Jesus,

Great teamwork dying for everyone’s sins—I really appreciate you stepping up and taking the lead on that initiative. Your dedication is appreciated.

That being said, you are still an exempt employee and some projects simply cannot wait until you’ve been resurrected. Let me know if the expectation is unclear.

Thanks,
Phil

P.S. How was that webinar?

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