Dear mystery person who is opening my letters and stealing my mail,

Please cease and desist. For months now, I’ve noticed that most of the letters in my mailbox have already been opened and that I’m not receiving a lot of my regular mail like my Reader’s Partially Digest, Dad Vogue, and Danny Devito Quarterly. Half the envelopes are empty because you’ve been taking whatever’s inside them. My great-aunt in the Ukraine mailed me “before” and “after” photos of her newly renovated kitchen and you stole only the “before” photo. What kind of sociopath does that? Now I have absolutely no frame of reference to gauge the countertop choice, you sadistic barbarian.

Apparently, you also took the liberty of RSVPing “yes” to my cousin’s week-long, destination gender reveal party for her septuplets. Not cool man, not cool. If this was happening to someone else I could definitely see the humor in it but because it’s happening to me, I don't find it funny.

You can’t just open up my mail and take what you want. You think my mailbox is some lush fall apple orchard and you are some farmer that’s allowed to paw his way through every tree and pick whatever juicy apples catch his eye? No. If my mailbox was an apple orchard you should be behaving like an early twenties millennial at an apple orchard; pick absolutely no apples, maybe take some pictures, and then leave. What gives you the right to rummage through my mailbox and steal all my returned George Lopez fan mail? I mean the audacity.

Your mail privilege disgusts me.

Letter larceny is in violation of US Code Section 1708. It’s a federal offense. So what you are doing is just as severe as bank robbery, kidnapping, tax evasion, or violating election laws. I would say what you are doing is even worse than those things, but since the President allegedly did the last two, I guess they can’t be that bad.

Mail theft can land you in jail for up to five years. That’s a long time, almost as bad as being in jail for six years, give or take a year. And if real jail is anything like the one in Monopoly, you're not going to like it. Also, you wouldn’t last a week in prison if people knew you were in there for stealing mail. That’s a nerd crime. It’s up there with intentionally deleting Wikipedia pages and cyberbullying Instagram cats.

If I ever find out who you are, I will slice you with my letter opener like an electricity bill. Okay maybe just lightly jab. Yes, I will lightly jab at you with my letter opener, who I’ve named Lattrice. Thanks to you, Lattrice hasn’t felt the white papery texture of a 4 1/8″ by 9 1/2″ business envelope in many moons and he is longing for something to poke…

You think I won’t do it? Let me ask you this: who the heck owns a letter opener anymore? I’ll tell you who: people looking for socially acceptable ways to always have a small knife nearby. Nobody needs a letter opener, the human index finger is completely sufficient for opening an envelope.

Fact: an antique letter opener is the murder weapon in 86% of murders that happen at dinner parties in ominous mansions. People of my predilection are just itching for a reason to use our letter openers. And that reason is going to be you if you don’t return my McDonalds coupon booklet.

Like heck, I’m paying full price for two McGriddles.

I’m sorry I'm losing my temper. I just really miss lathering myself with all the free Dove moisturizers I get in the mail. I guess I shouldn’t be that mad at you. You are, after all, single-handedly keeping my marriage together—the divorce papers Debra keeps mailing me have all disappeared. So thank you for that. We just celebrated our ten-year anniversary last week, even though she is technically in Bali right now with that chump Malcolm.

I am confident that this letter will reach you, as I plan to mail it to myself knowing that when it arrives in my mailbox, you will take it, as you did with my beloved Fall IKEA Meatball catalogue.

Please stop opening my letters and taking my beloved mail.

Kindest regards,

A man without a positive mail influence