I am so sorry about last night. I don’t know what I was thinking. Drinking absolutely nothing that contained alcohol at your party last night was completely irresponsible, and for that, I am truly sorry.

Before I fully apologize for not partaking in the festivities last night, I want to thank you for inviting me in the first place. I thought I was having a pretty nice time with friends, but now looking back, you were right, drinking would’ve totally helped me have an even better time. Waking up this morning without a hangover was a total bummer, and I fully regret making a conscious decision to do so. Running a half-marathon this morning to support breast cancer research was also no excuse for not getting completely inebriated. Even though you knew I had the race today and how hard I've been training for it, I should’ve known not to pursue fitness goals around your party schedule.

I want you to know that when I awoke this morning without headache or bodily pain as a result of drinking all night, I felt absolutely ridiculous and ashamed of my behavior. I spent almost a full two minutes (embarrassing) fully and clearly recalling every single incident that occurred last night. I'm disgusted at how poor of a decision that was.

I also want to apologize for showing compassion and care for those who did decide to drink last night. I know the usual protocol at your gatherings is to draw large penises on Ryan’s forehead every time he blacks out, and my unwillingness to participate in that was uncalled for. You’re 100% right, I should’ve joined in the ridicule of a friend who is unconscious and unable to defend or speak for themselves. By not doing that, I put you in an incredibly awkward and uncomfortable position, and for that, I am sorry.

I am also really sorry for what happened to your coffee table last night. I will admit that it was me who stayed after the party to pick up all of the glass pieces while you were in the bathroom puking your brains out. I should’ve realized you probably wanted it completely broken, seeing how you hard you slammed that beer bottle through it just to prove to Sarah how much you can drink. I get now that you were just trying to show off, and that the only way to genuinely prove your worth to the opposite sex is to accumulate thousands of dollars worth of property damage in a drunken stupor. I am willing to bet that my clean up job did nothing less than embarrass you and make you feel self-conscious or uncool, something I should’ve known better to do.

And for the record, I know the night didn’t exactly end the way you wanted it to for me. I’m embarrassed to admit that instead of passing out on the floor as you did, I volunteered to drive everyone who needed a ride home last night like some kind of responsible asshole. God, how much that must’ve complicated everyone else’s ability to have a great time last night. I can’t believe I ever thought that was a good idea.

I blame my parents, honestly. They always warned me against the dangers of alcohol, but now I know now that diseases like alcoholism, liver cancer or pancreatitis are things that I should actively try to obtain if I truly value our friendship. Because that’s what having true fun is, right? It’s giving in to peer pressure and societal expectations despite my own reservations or personal life choices.

I am just so glad that I have you, the person asking why I am not drinking tonight, to thank for helping me realize that.


Your Embarrassingly Sober Friend