Movies have plenty of cases of bizarre forms of extraterrestrial sexual reproduction, such as John Hurt incubating an egg from hell that performed its own C-section in Alien, Louis Gossett Jr. birthing a frog-boy after apparently having a one night stand with a Klingon stripper in Enemy Mine, and Abe Lincoln’s mom removing her newborn son from a can of Del Monte black-eyed peas with a farming implement in Lincoln.
But those are just movies, generally works of fiction.
Here are eight other planets and the actual forms of reproduction by their inhabitants, verified as authentic by Scientology Monthly and USA Today.
1. Beiber 4
The males flaunt their beautiful, colorful plumage for adoring female admirers while performing a complex 25-minute courtship dance to work them up into an unstoppable sexual frenzy which can only be assuaged by making large clothing and mp3 purchases at colorfulplumedmale.com.
Two chocolaty discs join in a mating ritual and emit a creamy substance which bonds them together and fertilizes their eggs, which bear a striking resemblance to Colin Powell upon reaching the larvae stage.
An entire race of Ted Cruz-like androgynous beings reproduced solely by compounding interest rates on estate holdings in escrow for millennia. When their calculator batteries died in the wake of The Great Floods and Office Depot Closures, they all died out, although they were biologically capable of sexual intercourse. Archaeologists have speculated the civilization may have survived had the processes of alcoholic distillation been developed sooner.
4. Feminus 3
The male queen being is serviced by a host of female drones who fertilize his eggs via serving sandwiches and are subsequently devoured by the queen as he rips their heads off and exclaims, “They were delicious!” All the workers are also males and are mostly employed in the frozen drone parts food industry or as asshole drone strip club owners. All the colonies on Feminus 3 were seeded by Earth-based author Kate Millet as part of her latest book tour.
This planet is populated by gelatinous, amoeboid masses of ectoplasm which divide asexually and subsequently become radio hosts of Piers Morgan Live on Morganta CNN.
The “Kardashians” are a primitive humanoid race most closely resembling Earth primate counterpart homo erectus. Evolution apparently compensated for their lack of intellectual development by ceding them great talent as fashion models. They reproduce by generating spores which thrive in the offices of People Magazine for a short time. The spores go forth to pollenate photo journalists who then give live birth to humanoid infants who continually scream and cry their entire life spans.
7. Trump 5
The bloated, distended denizens of this world are sea-dwelling water mammals approximating Earth manatees, aka “sea cows.” The distinctive mating cry of the males is a loud, dissonant bark which strikes mortal terror of auditory assault in its victims. All who hear the dreaded mating cry become fodder for its reproductive process, which involves being consumed and digested whole accompanied by an even more horrific orgasm/belch during which its bladder releases large amounts of bile.
This world’s populace is made up solely of law enforcement officers. The dough-based life forms release yeast musk and sugary sprinkles as part of their courtship ritual. They normally reproduce only in the confines of their vast proofing bins, as openly reproducing while on duty is a violation of their code of ethics. The larvae are normally on sale from 10 a.m. to 12 noon daily. One bag for $1.99.