1. She finds Khalil Gibran’s masterpiece The Prophet on your nightstand and then calls the NSA and tells them “My boyfriend is in ISIS!” So you decide to break up with her, but you say, “We’ll still say friends,” adding a quote by Gibran, “Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.”
2. You pick her up and she’s a glowing orange color. So she jumps in your car and asks, “Honey, can I have a small loan for $4 million? I want to develop a no-tell-motel, a juke joint with slot machines – along with every type of liquor, wine and beer, with a little back room that sells crack cocaine and heroin; a dog track; an 18-hole-miniature golf course; a massage parlor; and a porno store. There will also be a karaoke bar and a strip joint, and in the strip joint, we’ll have a monthly beauty pageant, all nude. Come on, baby! Please, please, please?!”
3. She’s actually a blonde or a brunette but she decides to dye her hair a pasty dishwater blonde color, with orange tints. And her new hairdo has a funky way of sticking straight up now – not to mention it’s always shoved way over to the right side.
4. She tells you she wants a toupee for Christmas. You tell her she’s not bald, and that men are the usual wearers of toupees. Then she tells you, “Toupees are really neat. I know a guy – he’s a real loudmouth and a blowhard, dumb as a barrel of hammers, really – but he wears one and I think it’s really sexy. I’d like to sit on him and fuck his eyes out, but it would be like having my crotch wiggling in and out of a sewing thimble.”
If that ain’t enough to clear all the soot from the chimney, she tells you all she wants to do is play golf, hang around casinos, and insult people riding around in sub-compact cars.
5. She starts screaming, ranting, raving for no reason at all. So you tell her to settle down and her skin turns from an orange color to a deep purple and she starts snapping at you like an attack dog.
6. She had beautiful blue eyes just a day or two ago and now she has white pupils, ochre irises, and pinpoints smack in the middle of her eyeballs, black as coal. You looked at her before and she had the eyes of an angel, but now you look her in the eyes and feel that you’re staring down a venomous serpent.
7. She asks you if she can join the Ku Klux Klan. “Hey, why don’t you join with me honey,” she pleads. “We can go in on the ‘buddy plan,’ just like they do in the Army.”
8. She was very much against guns a few weeks ago but now has a stack of mail on her kitchenette table and it’s all NRA propaganda. Then you snoop around her apartment and find an Uzi and an AK-47.
9. She used to be a very sensitive girl, sympathizing with those dealing with disabilities. But now when you enter Walmart with her, she vandalizes the handicapped go-cart shopping buggies by pouring sulfuric acid and turpentine all over them.
10. You start getting a lot of calls from some strange ranger who says, “You’re fired!” and you were already fired from your job a month ago and are now on unemployment.
11. She starts growing a very small penis. You order a magnifying glass to keep on the bedside table so you can see it at night, when the lights are off. It glows a psychedelic neon orange.
12. She says in the next election that she wants to run for president on the Republican ticket and you reply, “Honey, you need a law degree, and really, you also need at least three terms in the U.S. Senate to run for the presidency.” Well, she tells you that her other boyfriend acts like a total Neanderthal, lacks any knowledge or experience at politics and that “He’s now running for president.” So you ask what his name is and she says, “Well, I have a pet name for him and it’s ‘The Donald’ but sometimes I just call him ‘You’re Fired!’”
13. Although she’s always been a prude, she starts sleeping around with a lot of other guys and even a few women. My God, man! There’s even been rumors that she’s been having sex with great apes and racehorses. And if that ain’t enough to clear all the soot from the chimney, she tells you all she wants to do is play golf, hang around casinos, and insult people riding around in sub-compact cars.
14. She starts snapping and snarling like a junkyard dog whenever you try to talk rationally to her.
15. She asks you to buy her a Titan missile for Christmas. After you sternly tell her “No!” she asks if you’ll buy her a jewelry store with a skyscraper attached instead.
16. She says, “That Kim Jong Un is quite a cute little feller.” And then, “That Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin is also a very handsome man. I wish you looked like one of them.”
17. She says she’s growing tired of you as a boyfriend and wants to date, instead, a guy who thinks and acts like Caligula. “Oh really?” you say. To which she responds, “Well, I sort of, kind of already am. I’m flying around this weekend to several campaign stops. His name is ‘The Donald' and he has a penis the size of a green bean.”
18. You ask her in the morning why she kept saying “Donald, Donald, Donald” all night long in her sleep.
19. She asks you to buy her a Lear jet for Christmas.
20. She doesn’t file any income tax and tells you “That’s for the common folks to do.”
21. She was never a xenophobe before and even though she’s black, she starts hating all African-Americans. She tells you she also hates Muslims, Latinos, Arabs, and you, and you’re just as black as she is.
22. She says, “All those Mexican, Black, and Injun kids are in street gangs. When we go out, we’re frisking every one of those racial types for guns and knives. Sure, it’s racial profiling, so what’s new with that?”
23. She always has a permanent scowl on her once pretty face. When she turns her head, she has the face of a prehistoric lizard.
24. She starts living at the golf course during the day, and by night she hangs around beauty pageants and card halls.
25. She says, “That guy’s a 5, that guy’s a 3, that guy’s a 1,” when you're walking with her through a shopping mall and other young men pass by. “He’s fat, he’s a boar hog. He’s skinny like a men’s shaving razor. He’s as bald as you.”