Ukrainian patch

I needed a night out so I thought I'd hang with a friend, Tanya, and her friends, some of whom I'd met before. Our mission was to take out Yuri, Tanya's engineer friend from the Ukraine, who had never hit the Korean club scene. He looked like your stereotypical doofus: maybe 130 pounds and arms like wet baby towels. I'm sure he could chat online all day, but he could barely carry on a face-to-face convo.

Some Korean clubs rank as pretty awesome. There usually aren't cover charges. Most folks can afford the drinks. The people dress nice and prefer to dance rather than wall-sit or fight. But some Korean clubs really suck. The crowds cram. You can't move. It's hot as hell. Somebody bumps into you constantly.

Yuri kept grinding on the girls and groping them whenever the chance arose. My cool quickly started to fade.I had decided to stay sober for the month, so I knew this wouldn't be the greatest club experience, but I wanted to hang with Tanya. Chilling out with three ladies and a weird cornball nerd didn't seem like too much to ask.

First we hung at a restaurant and the three ladies drank Korean rice wine, which kind of tastes like alcoholic pancake mix. And if you think that's interesting, try drinking it out of a metal cereal bowl. Mmm-mmm good. Yuri feasted on beer, then announced he needed more, and stronger, booze.

So we set out for a lounge with bottle service. This turned out to be fun. We blabbed about the dumbest things we've ever done. I confessed to drunkenly playing on freight trains and nearly losing my legs trying to impress my high school bros. Others ran away from home, lied to mothers and Yuri dumped his longtime girlfriend on her birthday–while she was sick.

After a bit, Tanya's friends proved to be a little irritating. One annoying girl kept talking about anything and everything for ever and ever, but not really saying anything interesting or intelligent. Another girl just sat there. This Ukrainian guy Yuri acted pretty silly, like he'd never drank before. He did a lot of giggling and saying, "If my boss caught me this drunk, I get the fired."

Annoying Girl smirked, "Yuri is sooooo cute! I just want to hug him. Do you guys like American football? I always have to say American football, otherwise people think I'm talking about soccer. But if you didn't know, other countries call soccer football. I don't really like American football. But I loooooove hockey. That's because…"

I flirted my best with Tanya. Then Yuri started to make horse noises with his lips. He'd drunk enough of the vodka. He'd giggle, cover his face, and then drink more vodka. He tried to stand and nearly fell over. I told the group we either needed to send this sot home, or sober him up.

"Anybody need to use the restroom?" I asked as I carried Yuri outside.

Annoying Girl chimed in, "I don't know if you've noticed, but I never need to use the bathroom. I know I'm a girl, but I only pee once or twice per day. I've already seen you, a man, go to the boys' room three times. I am very proud of how strong my bladder is…"

I shut off my ears and carried drunk Yuri to a 7-11 where I picked him up a Gatorade and an energy drink. Then I made him chug. I hoped this put me in a good light with Tanya, because I didn't really care about Yuri. I just didn't want to lug him around much longer.

We tried the first popular club, but they wouldn't let us in since one of the dumb women forgot her ID. So we hoofed it to another place. In the meantime, rain gushed and poured. Yuri, in a move to appear smooth, would sneak under the girls' umbrellas and grope the girl. I didn't know how this group acted, but I thought this looked a little weird. He did this to all the girls and tried to explain how much he liked each one of them. He did a lot of stumbling, and a lot of catching himself with the girls' asses or boobs.

In case you don't know me or you've never read my stuff before or never heard my boring stories, I put myself through grad school working as a pretty rough bouncer. If a guy as drunk as Yuri came to my bar, I'd either immediately turn him away or let him in so my door guy dogs would have somebody to beat up.

However, I was trying to impress a lady, so I didn't do anything. Pretty soon we entered the other club, which was packed to the gills. The others grabbed drinks while I watched people dance on tables, but mostly people crashed into me. I thanked my stars I wasn't holding a drink, as I figured I'd spill it all over myself about ten times over. I also sang praises to the great spirit that I wasn't drunk, because I thought I'd lose my cool.

We all huddled around an area. Clubgoers kept bumping and pushing us. Yuri kept grinding on the girls and groping them whenever the chance arose. Then he started fondling other girls. My cool quickly started to fade.

Eventually I grabbed him by the shirt collar and hollered, "Settle the fuck down! Or I'm going to kick your fucking ass! I don't care how much smaller you are than me, I'm sick of you acting like a fucking pervert!"

I attempted some shuffles and Harlem Shakes with Tanya, but I felt a hand on my ass and it wasn't hers. I'm happy with my firm ass, and I don't mind my date grabbing it. But I don't like some dipshit grabbing my ass thinking it's a girl's.

"You have no chances left motherfucker! I am going to stomp you! I don't care whose friend you are…"

"KC! He's fine," said Annoying Girl. She kept talking but I didn't listen.

Now, the situation became lose/lose. Did I throttle this dumbass and spoil my chances with Tanya? Or would I need to protect him from getting his ass kicked by some other pissed off girl's boyfriend?

Luckily, Tanya saw the situation grow more and more sour. She saw that I wasn't having the time of my life. There wasn't much dancing, just a lot of babysitting. I sweated my ass off. I didn't have any liquid courage. This sucked for me.

Soon, Tanya grabbed me and said, "We're going somewhere else. Fuck these rejects."

So we bounced.

I guess Yuri made more of an idiot of himself. Eventually the two weeny girls stuffed him in a cab and let him be.

Tanya and I shared a cab home. Then she barfed. So I sulked back to my place alone and sober. Not my favorite night. Thanks again, douche guys.

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