Dave and his wife Janine have $0 in their primary savings account. At an interest rate of 0.05%, compounded quarterly, how much money will Dave and Janine save in a year?

Dave rates his self-confidence as a 4 out of 10. Janine tells Dave how ugly his new soul patch is, and his rating falls to a 2. By what percentage has Dave's self-confidence dropped?

What is the maximum number of times a man can stay at Motel 6 in one week and keep his dignity intact?

Janine mentions to Dave that he should work harder at finding a professorship, but he tells her that the job market is down, and that writing math problems is a perfectly respectable form of employment. How many huffy noises does Janine make?

The Cleveland Cavaliers are a 7-to-1 favorite to beat the New York Knicks. Dave places a $1,000 wager on the Cavs. What is the probability that LeBron James makes 4 of 28 shots from the field, having the worst statistical performance of his professional career?

Dave has all of this month's new word problems saved on his laptop. How many cups of coffee does Janine "accidentally" spill on the computer?

If Dave can write 6 word problems in 1 hour, how many Quiet Riot YouTube videos can he watch in 5 hours?

Dave returns home one day to find that Janine has hired an exterminator, "because it's good to do it yearly, for maintenance." Find the shortest route, in distance, from Dave's house to Motel 6.

Motel 6 "come as a guest, leave as a friend" sign

What is the area of the bloodstain (measured in cm2) on Dave's motel-room carpet?

The exterminator sends Dave an invoice for $1,200. How many attempts will Dave need to hit a wastebasket that is 12 inches in diameter from 6 feet away?

Janine tells Dave that she's having dinner tomorrow with her high-school friend Chris, who now works as an exterminator. How much bigger is Chris's penis than Dave's?

Solve for sin(infidelity)

Janine has 29 blouses, 22 skirts, and 35 pairs of shoes. How many different outfits can Dave sell on Craigslist while Janine is out to dinner?

What is the maximum amount of sweat, rounded to the nearest gallon, Dave can drip on the interviewer and still get the job?

A car traveling east at 50 MPH returns home from a job interview at 2:45 PM. What are those funny sounds coming from the bedroom?

Prove the following statement to be true: Some exterminators are named Chris. Some people named Chris sleep around with Janine. Therefore, MORTAL REVENGE.

An algebra textbook thrown from a height of 70 inches travels at a speed of 27 meters per second. Why are Chris' reflexes so damn quick?

A partially-clothed man running down the sidewalk at a speed of 10 MPH is chased by an overweight, short-legged, suit-clad mathematics writer running at 5.5 MPH. What, exactly, is the point?

What is the maximum number of times a man can stay at Motel 6 in one week and keep his dignity intact?

If one beer contains 5.5% ABV, how many beers must 5'7", 190-pound Dave consume to get totes fvckimg waistedddddddddddd?

BONUS: Please list the name and contact information of the best divorce attorney you know.