Thank you so much for agreeing to invite me to lunch! It's been a while since you’ve seen me. And as you can probably tell by my overall appearance and demeanor, things are going really well for me.

Well, for starters, I have a backyard now. That’s right, a huge backyard. I sleep in it every day. One time, I found an actual bug in my soft, grassy backyard. A nature-bug, not a bed bug, haha haha! Good one. Bed bugs are disgusting. Remember that one time when you had bed bugs at your summer home? No? Your second house, that you own, never got bed bugs? Oh.

I also just started a new exotic workout that’s going really well for me. It’s a mix of parkour and motocross where I try to cross highways using just acrobatics and agility. The interactive video training software is amazing: you are represented by a little green frog to practice navigating through traffic. It’s so cutting-edge, but also probably based on ancient wisdom and workouts. I can’t wait to actually try it out in real life.

No, thank you, I don’t drink at lunch anymore. Haven’t since I got on this new diet. I only eat food served off of disposable Halloween tableware. I’ve lost twenty pounds since you last saw me. Ruth Bader Ginsberg uses it. You could say that my diet is single-handedly preserving democracy as we know it.

Yea, things are pretty, quite well for me. No, that was not a word mix-up. I meant things are pretty and things are quite well, both of which are being and going for me. I did not make a mistake. That's just not me anymore.

Work is going very well for me. Ever since I taught myself to code, my whole world has opened up. Coding is so impressively challenging. It’s like a big math problem, and that’s why I bought one, two, three, four books on computer repair. Heavy books, too, like fourteen hectos. I’ve looked at the table of contents, and by decoding the letters and numbers associated with their linguistic sound and meaning, I coded it. Self-taught.

Have I loudly uttered the phrase, “I think coding is really more of an art,” yet? No? It was on my to-do list for this lunch. Anyway, I really think coding is more of an art, you know?

When Stenley and I got engaged in a long-distance, open relationship, things started going even more well for me. She is a visiting professor at the Cambridge School of Dentistry in Harvard, Delaware. We’re making long distance work. She flies back to her parents’ house every weekend and I just drive the quick thirty-two hours there. The drive goes by so quick because Stenley and I make out the whole time over the phone.

Stenley is my hero, one of the most accomplished people I have ever had sex with occasionally. Speaking of, when is your wife, Miss Vermont, going to become Miss America? I mean, I don't mean to be rude but, wow. Struggling much?

Did I tell you that I recently became Internet famous? A viral video of me got over 2.5 million views. Look up, “total dipshit can’t find toilet in changing room, gives up, PEES himself.” Get it? It’s satire.

I’ll pay for lunch. No, please. I insist. Will me into paying. I manifest and will into existence my ability to pay for lunch, so, therefore, I am able to pay. I’ll pay. You get the next one. Great.

Does this place accept Potcoin?

That’s right, I’m a crypton. Actually, I’m on a government enemy’s list because my crypto-investments threatens to upend the global world order. How do I know? Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross blocked me on Twitter. I feel just like Edward Cullen hiding out in Moscow, but instead, I’m hiding in my parent’s basement. That’s right, the one place nobody would expect to find me, someone who is thriving.

Anyway, I should go. I have dental insurance. I mean: I have a dental appointment. I mean: I have to let dental students’ do clinical trials on my teeth.

Be well! Like me!


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