On Second Thought, Swallowing My Car Keys to Avoid Getting Carjacked Was Probably a Bad Idea
There's no way I'm going to pass the anchor-shaped keychain I got from my beach trip.
Tag: Featured
Please Take Notice: If You Ordered an IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast between March 14, 2016 and August 4, 2017, You May Be Entitled to Compensation
If you ate all that, we’re astonished you are alive to read this notice. Your arteries must be as hard as bricks.
A Guide to Avoid Being Mugged for Dummies
Keep all your pockets slick with oil. You can humiliate them further by saying, "What's the matter bud? Can't get a grip?"
Suggestions from the Suggestion Box at My Teppanyaki Restaurant Where I Make All the Food with My Bare Hands
Posting signage around the restaurant that says, “We Pinky Promise We Washed Our Hands Before Returning To Work,” is not comforting.
This Looks Like Yet Another Unpaid Job for Superman!
Unfortunately, I do have to make a living. As it turns out, the only subject I’m really educated on—beyond punching things—is a dying industry.
Banning Me from Game Night Is Nothing Short of an Orwellian Nightmare
I’ve made a few enemies along the way, as evidenced by the group chat telling me not to bring my “musty ass around game night anymore.”
Well, Gang, We Completely Failed to Save the Rec Center
I really believed that a gang of scrappy, oddball teenage underdogs like us could pull this off against all odds.
I Will Funge These Tokens If It’s the Last Thing I Do
By the time I’m through with your tokens, they will be funged beyond recognition. I disrupt the blockchain. I drink your milkshake. I funge your tokens.
Think You Got What It Takes to Join Our Gang, the Crabapple Boys?!
WHAT WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR… YOU: - Enjoy tippin’ over hot dog carts for craps n’ giggles - Like puttin’ pennies on train tracks and watching ‘em smoosh
Submission Guidelines for Convolution Lit
Submissions open at 3 AM on nights when our editor-in-chief looks at the night sky and feels a particular shade of melancholy.
With a Cursory Knowledge of 3D Animation and a Controlled Dose of a Psychoactive Substance, I’m the Man for Your Bowling Alley Score Screen Needs
You are entropy incarnate. Which is captured much more accurately by this clip of a frog with long, sexy lady legs that burps up the word "Strike."
I Beg of You, Please: Don’t Order a Medium Soda
So, I mean, you wouldn’t ask me to go in there and risk an encounter with ghosts, would you? I could just give you a free upgrade to large.