10. None
9. Not a One
8. Nope
7. Not That One
6. Or This One Either
5. Worth a Shot, But No
4. Not The One In a Box
3. Not Even the One for Fox
2. There Are No Jobs Like This
1. Quantum Physicist Able to Bend Time Back Onto Itself
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Bees transition from absolute monarchy to a constitutional democracy. The Queen exists only for ceremonial purposes.
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Insufficient Reasons for Using the Bat-Signal
The office toilet backing up is probably not the best use of The Dark Knight's time.
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Lost Dog: Do Not Chase, Respectfully Acknowledge
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Evidence That Your Lawyer Isn’t a Lawyer, They Just Played One on Law & Order
Upon being assigned your case, they don’t ask how you want to plead, they ask if you were introduced in the first or second act.
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Praise for My Debut Novel
Readers will be delighted, frightened, and enlightened, though a few will want to skip a certain scene—you’ll know which one.
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- April 28, 2025
I Think My Pen Pal Might Be My Dog Trying to Get a Bite of a Ham Sandwich
I’m really excited to get to know you better! Where do you live? What are your hobbies? What are you eating right now?
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Open Letter from a Group of Dead Grandmas Who Don’t Appreciate the Tattoos You Got to “Honor” Them
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Why Wasn’t Your Book Dedicated to Me, Your Obvious Inspiration for the Antagonist?
And his use of my signature catchphrase, “Smell you forever because you stink that bad.” I knew I should have had that copyrighted.
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Does Listening to an Audiobook Count as Reading If I’m Asleep?
Some part of my subconscious is absorbing everything though, right?
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- April 15, 2025