An Open Letter to Arbor Day
I'm warning you: they won't stop until Arbor Day becomes Firewood Day.
I'm warning you: they won't stop until Arbor Day becomes Firewood Day.
The only thing that stops a bad kid with a dream is a good fully grown adult with a Twitter account. Please heed these social media tips.
You will recall laughing after I cautioned that I had once confessed to a priest only to watch him go straight to hell. I do not recall laughing.
Even though I am pursuing a stable career in human resources, please remember that I will always be your emotionally underdeveloped and insecure son.
Please, please, please, Movie Gods, if you're out there, please let me come to a theater near you. It's all I've wanted since I was a wee script.
Dear Statue, I believe unequivocally that you and I now share some cosmic bond after we locked eyes during Del Toro's acceptance speech.
I applaud you, as you were comfortable, people complimented you, and you made me appear like I had my shit together, which I did not.
Now you know, you can't just sweep your problems under the rug and hope I don't build them up into metaphors for my failures as a parent.
I thought long and hard about what kind of birthday message to send you. Then I waited for what seemed like decades to receive your reply.
What is it that makes your group so intractable, yet everybody wants to talk about you? Why is it so hard to figure out how old you people are?
All I ever wanted was to be the fourth son of Mike Brady on that killer 1970's TV show, The Brady Bunch. Instead, my life veered off course.
It is with heavy heart that I, Robby Schwartz, wish to announce that I am no longer a punk rocker. I am now a skater; please accept my decision.