Dear Arbor Day,
If you’re reading this letter, it means that the Environmental Protection Agency hasn’t rolled you back yet. Stay strong. It’s a well-known fact that certain individuals in high ranking positions aren’t aware of your existence. Yet.
You’ve been around in the world since 1594 and here in the United States since 1872. You serve an important role. Earth Day may try to be as cool as you, but no other holiday focuses solely on the planting of trees.
But I have to warn you: when these anti-environment politicians discover there is a day dedicated only to tree planting, they will fucking destroy you.
You’ll notice little tremors at first—seemingly benign statements by our leaders about your overall relevance. Indiscriminate and disjointed phrases thrown out at random press conferences, while the Prime Ministers of arid and desolate countries stand by uncomfortably as the shit show begins in earnest.
You’ll laugh it off at first, saying to yourself, “I’m a day dedicated to trees. I’m harmless! No one in their right mind would hurt me!”
That complacency will be your first mistake.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a series of early morning anger tweets will be fired off with the sole intention of undermining your very existence. You’ll begin to realize the seriousness of your predicament, but it’ll be too late.
You’ll be given sadistic and childish nicknames; mocked incessantly on social media. A campaign of disinformation unlike anything you’ve seen will be unleashed upon you.
Only the negatives surrounding your kind will be highlighted: your pollen production; damage to property from fallen limbs; raking.
Your supporters will be called a bunch of “bleeding heart liberal tree huggers.” When those supporters stand up in defense of you, they’ll be drowned out by the tsunami of crazed individuals who suddenly hate trees, for no other reason than that hating something feels good. “Shade and fresh oxygen are for pansies,” they’ll shout.
You’ll espouse the virtues of science and empirical data, hoping that will stem the tide against you. A laudable attempt at enlightenment to be sure, but it will be no match for the crazed and indignant, reveling in their lack of critical thinking.
When will it mercifully come to an end? When Arbor Day becomes Firewood Day.
What, you think you’re safe because you are celebrated in other countries? Gay marriage and Amazon.com are also celebrated in other countries. A lot of good that’s doing them here in the good ole’ US of A.
My advice for you is to fly under the radar. Don’t draw attention to yourself by espousing your virtues. Discussions of beautiful fall foliage and shade on oppressively hot days are to be avoided at all costs. As soon as the wrong people are made aware of your existence, and of the benefits to society that you provide, you will cease to exist.
How ironic that something so rooted in our culture will inevitably be made expendable by people who aren’t rooted in much of anything?
Don’t let these bastards destroy you.
A Bleeding-Heart Liberal Tree Hugger