Size matters. Fill your Dad up with pride through a big, throbbing initial contribution.

Some dads enjoy having their trading restricted. Make sure you consider a Roth IRA with increased commissions for frequent trades, but confirm your dad's comfort level with financial bondage first.

Set the mood by playing a latter-day Bruce Springsteen album, preferably “The Rising” since it perfectly illustrates the direction of your future earnings.

Intensify the experience by telling Dad on the cedar wood deck he built (it was built specifically for sharing news such as this).

Threesomes aren't normally Dad's thing. But there's nothing he wants more than that sweet confirmation from your family's active mutual fund manager, Jeff, that you opened your Roth IRA account. Jeff also likes the idea of an actual threesome.

Once Dad learns that you'll withdraw your earnings tax-free, he'll need to get out of the house from the pleasure overload. Repeat the words “tax-free” for added effect.

If you don’t mind a big mess, deliver the news to Dad before his Just For Men mustache dye has had a chance to dry.

Don't be scared to tell Dad that one day the “backdoor IRA option” will be available. It's not traditional and it might be painful, but loopholes like this will make him the proudest (and horniest) father on the block.

Let Dad cool off before telling him you've secured the posthumous adoration of your heirs because distributions from an inherited Roth IRA are tax-free! Then watch his eyes close for the most intense pleasure he's experienced since Jeff helped him open his own high interest savings account.

If this list feels too incestuous, feel free to get Dad a card instead.