1. Sea Blue Velour Athleisure Wear from Great Aunt Eleanor
A. Considering velour sweat suits haven’t been seen since Britney Spears donned a baby blue Juicy Couture arm-in-arm with Justin Timberlake, this a definite thrift store purchase, steam cleaned, and resold by a third-party seller.
B. Velour “tracksuits” are now totally avant-garde according to the Instagram social influencer your cousin brought to dinner. And the missing tags? Great Aunt Eleanor always clips them because she thinks they make everyone itch.
2. Big Papa Pickled Sausages from Grandpa
A. You didn’t have the heart to tell Grandpa that you weren’t actually eating his beloved sausages, but instead feeding them to Hercules, his hyper Mini Pin. These bad boys in the wrinkled packaging definitely look like they were fished out of a trash can outside a Sam’s Club and resold. Plus, Retired Labor Union Prez Grandpa won’t shell out the money for a Sam’s club membership.
B. This gift was purchased on the Sam’s Club website since Grandpa figured out how to circumvent the membership fees and spite those greedy Walmart execs.
3. The Fanny Fay Fruit Cake Great Grandma Wrapped Up and Brought to Dinner
A. Although the bright cherries, caramelized pecans, and neon green not-sure-what-fruit-that-is seem legit, this glorified brick could have easily been picked out of a bakery trash can in Fanny, West Virginia, heat wrapped, and advertised by a third-party seller at the perfect price point for Great Grandma.
B. The fruit cake is always a popular staple at the Fanny Fay Old Folks Home’s Charity Bake Sale.
4. Chocolate Caramel Crunchies in a Holiday Keepsake Tin from Grandma
A. Although the caramel popcorn, chocolate covered pretzels, and toffee look delicious, the stale taste makes you wonder if this gift was around longer than your 7-year-old nephew.
B. Grandma always raves about her favorite candy store, Punta Gorda’s Famous Affy Taffies.
5. Purple Under Armor Big Logo Hoody from Mom
A. Mom is a Prime member with a zest for thrift, making her the perfect victim of dumpster diving third-party sellers. The sweatshirt is missing a front pouch proving it’s either a knock-off or a factory dump.
B. A new style for Under Armor since Mom remembered I never liked the front pouch, or sweet Mom snipped it off because she loves me that much.
6. Mike’s Hot Honey with a Kick from Uncle Tom
A. Why, oh why, did I compliment Uncle Tom’s holiday ham? Although the hot honey applicator appears sealed, the container could have been hanging out at the bottom of a dumpster outside a Texas Walmart covered in eggshells, used bullets, and the latest copy of Christianity Today magazine.
B. Uncle Tom’s favorite store in the whole wide world is Victoria’s Secret, with Walmart coming in a close second.
7. A Rotten Banana from Great Uncle Martin
A. No explanation necessary.
B. After suffering from severe leg cramps for years, Great Uncle Martin pushes potassium like drug companies push pills.
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