1. Lay in a hammock.

2. Take a warm bath.

3. Hug your mom.

4. Sleep under a weighted blanket.

5. Enter a deep meditative state.

6. Take acid and then stare at baby pictures of yourself.

7. Drive into the desert and gaze at the stars, naked. When nearby campers threaten to call the authorities, explain that you’re only getting reacquainted with Mother Nature. Invite them to join.

8. Wrap your comforter around your shoulders and absolutely refuse to take it off, even when you leave the house. Wear it so much it becomes stiffly molded to your body, and feel an incredibly deep sense of security. Do your best to ignore the smell.

9. Claim a corner in your parent’s basement. Build a fort using pillows and blankets. Turn on a white noise machine to mimic the sound of your mother’s insides. Remain in this position for exactly nine months, even if your parents sell the place. Tell the real estate agent that you come with the house.

10. Get professional training for holding your breath underwater. Go to the public pool and remain submerged long enough that the lifeguard has to save you, mimicking a delivery.

11. Hang out in the baby pool at your local public pool. Close your eyes and kick your legs around like you would in the womb. Do not kick nearby babies.

12. Pick a fight with the meanest bully at the pool. He will shove you into a locker—exactly what you wanted. Enjoy the dark and enclosed space before the janitor lets you out.

13. Find the world’s strongest man. Work two jobs to pay for a flight to visit him in a remote mountain village in the highlands of Russia. Pay him 20 bucks. Have him cradle you in his arms like a newborn, while humming the melody of “Hush Little Baby, Don’t Say a Word.” Once your session is done, thank him and take your flight home. Never mention it to another living person.

14. Wrap yourself from the neck down in Saran Wrap, and then ask a friend to spray lukewarm water between you and the plastic with a garden hose, so you are, once again, safely tucked away into a cocoon filled with liquid.

15. Become a member at your local bulk store. Buy a gigantic tub of Vaseline. Do not make eye contact with the cashier. Generously smear Vaseline all over yourself. Crawl head-first into a sleeping bag while performing the deep-breathing methods your therapist showed you.

16. Imagine an Elizabeth Warren presidency.

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