Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.

They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.

All dating is carbon dating.

I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.

After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.

I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.

Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.

Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.

(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”

Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.

Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.

Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.

I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.

After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you’re a man.

“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.