My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?