Read more snippets...Nathan’s Dad: No matter what anyone tells you, drinking is not a hobby.
Nathan: What would you call it?
Nathan’s Dad: A way to get girls to like your dumb ass.
Nathan: I so love these bonding moments.
Nathan’s Dad: Yeah, you always were a little strange.

I like wine tastings because you can pretend to be sophisticated while getting smashed. I feel the same way about art shows that serve free wine as I do about sharing the whiskey jug with the residentially displaced, elderly gentleman who occupies the back parking lot of my work. However, he scares the girls and tells a lot of stories about underwater creatures that couldn’t possibly exist, so I tend to stick with the former two events: art shows and wine tastings.

Now, some people will tell you that the key to building a decent model airplane is the glue quality. Other people will tell you that you should do half of your cooking in the grocery store because selection is that important. And the bum behind my work will tell you that the secret to success is a well-balanced outlook on deceased members of the opposite sex. I won’t tell you any of that.

I will tell all you men (and some of you boys) how to drink for free, remain sophisticated, and still have a great time.

First, select a date who is a) younger than you and b) ignorant to the ways of the real world. This shouldn’t be hard. You have a campus nearby.

Second, scour through the newspapers for art show openings. If you don’t know how to scour, don’t worry, the food service industry will provide you with all the fiscal nourishment you’ll need to be able to afford that hooker. One day.

Third, call up all your local wine tasting events and organize them on a piece of paper in order from least expensive to most expensive cover-charge.

Fourth, ask girls if they want to go with you to one of these events. Make sure that you stress the art or the tasting, not the fact that you’re dead broke and trying to get her drunk.

The first four steps are easy. Girls almost always agree to attend artsy-fartsy crap. Now, onto where it gets difficult: finding a way to get smashed while still appearing like you give a crap about the event in question. At art shows, the trick is to claim that a particular piece of work (which just happens to be located near the bar) keeps calling your attention, that you’re thinking about purchasing it, and that it has a certain charm you feel is missing from your empty, nihilistic life. Every time you return to the piece, fill your glass. If your date doesn’t know what kind of drunk you truly are, this should work. But tastings…well, tastings are different.

A wine tasting is basically a wine sales pitch. So, the first rule of a wine tasting is: you do not talk about the wine tasting. The second rule of a wine tasting is: you DO NOT talk about the wine tasting. The key to impressing a chick at a wine tasting is saying (and I mean this) absolutely nothing about the wine. Admit it, you don’t know shit about bouquets or cork smells or any of that crazy, yuppie garbage so don’t pretend. Let the chick educate you. The third rule of a wine tasting is: do not bring any money with you (that should be easy for you, you broke bastard). Eventually, she’ll find a bottle she likes and buy it (because you forgot your wallet). Then she’ll practically force you to drink it so you can confirm how great her selection truly is. If all goes very well, she’ll drink that wine for the rest of her life and think of you every time she does. That’s brand recognition, Mr. Gates. Brand recognition.

So, follow the advice provided herein (hah, “herein”—I’m a serious writer, now) and by the end of the day you should have a nice buzz on, a drunk girl by your side, and a healthy budget. And that, as my father used to say before that steamroller incident, is the recipe for unwanted pregnancy pie.

Yum.

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