>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
November 2, 2005

Read more snippets...Nathan: Are you throwing away my old Harley shirt?
Jana: Yes. It has holes in it. I am embarrassed for you when you wear it.
Nathan: That’s the shirt I was wearing when my house burnt down. Get it back.
Jana: Okay, but I was gonna buy you a new shirt. This one’s old and ugly.
Nathan: Yeah, well I hate your cat. He’s old and ugly. How about I kill him and get you a new one?
Jana: That’s not the same and you know it.

Hey Women of America:

I know you’re busy, but I’ll be out of town for about a week and I jotted down a couple of things I need you to do for me. Thanks so much for being so awesome. I really do love and appreciate you. Kisses.

Quit your bitching.
Outside of a few Justin Rebello columns, bitching has never accomplished anything. Please stop, now. You’ll find you’ll be much happier, and so will I.

Try rational thought.
I know it’s difficult, so I’ll give you a breakdown of how it works. First, when a problem arises, assess it before allowing yourself to get emotional, then discover alternatives to solve the problem, then choose the best alternative; or, if you can’t find any that work, seek help (when you need a solution to the problem). If no one will help you, then you may get emotional. Getting emotional first never helps. It’s just irrational.

Learn how to cook.
Back in the old days, women knew how to set a table and fill a kitchen. Then, women got all civil-rightsy and stopped teaching their daughters how to cook. Great, now neither gender knows how to cook. Shit, I guess we’ll just order out for the rest of our lives….

When you tell your stories, have a point.
So after thirty minutes of listening to you drone on, we have concluded that your cat is cute, your mom can be judgmental, and you love your dad. Awesome. By the way, where can I get that rain check for the last half hour of my life?

Stop fucking with my stereo.
I am seriously this close to ripping your cute little hand off at your dainty little wrist. Is it not enough that I have to drive everywhere we go? I have to drive and listen to shitty music? Really. I think we need Dr. Phil in here for a ruling. On second thought….

Quit listening to Dr. Phil.
Please, for me.

Remember, blowjobs make up for everything.
Think of them as “Get out of Jail Free” cards. You suck me off with regularity, and I will watch the OC with you. I promise.

Stop crying, please.
Please baby, stop crying. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings baby, but it’s cool. I love you, I really do. I just had to get some stuff out of my system. And remember when I stopped bonging beer for you? That was all for you, babe. Please, stop crying. I’ll do anything….


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