Proud fat guy in a Speedo at the beach

Recent census data shows that 69% of Americans are overweight. Recent census data also shows that 63% of all Americans are white. That means, regardless of race, creed or color, if you are fat, you are part of the majority in this country. And as the majority in this country, you chubbalos need to get together and make this country a better place to eat fried butter.

This world is inordinately bent to cater to the healthy and slim. We fit in chairs and on toilets all over the world. Why can't you? There're more of you than us. Seriously, you hippos are being oppressed. I mean sure, your favorite foods are on every street corner in America and your favorite ingredients like sugar and fat are so prevalent that I think they're in the drinking water now, but you have shoes you can't tie, seats you can't sit on, and now world governments are actually trying to regulate your diet.

The ball is in your court, fat people. If you want to spend the rest of your lives buying separate tickets for each ass cheek, just keep doing what you're doing. In the words of The Dude, "This oppression will not stand."

Listen up, fat people: when the blacks and women weren't allowed to vote, they did something about it. When the Indians were kicked off their land, they fought back. When the Southerners were told they could no longer own slaves, they stood up for what they believed in.

It is time for you to do the same.

Don't let Big Government tell you how large your soda can be, or that you need to move around and get an hour of exercise a day. Who the fuck has the gall to tell a person how they should spend their free time anyway? This is America, and if stuffing your face with high fructose corn syrup-laced MSG is something you feel you should be doing, then no one should tell you different. Trust me, I used to be a smoker and I know how this works: first they'll make being fat expensive, then they'll start advertising all kinds of "quit being fat now" billboards and commercials. Before you know it, they won't allow fat people on network television and basic cable and before you even get a chance to put down that pint of ice cream, they will be coming for all you chubba bubbas like you did something wrong. The main reason I quit smoking wasn't health related; I was just tired of taking shit for it and not having a place to do it. Smokers were ostracized in this country. And you better watch out lardos or the same thing could happen to you.

The good thing here though is that you have the numbers. You can go to the polls. You can get out your Rascal scooters and march on Washington (though I would recommend this as a fall or winter activity—DC is a swamp town and it gets mighty sticky). You can petition congress to tell the president's wife that not everybody likes eating healthy and as Americans, it is our God given right to munch on Cheetos. You can fight against Big Exercise and Big Not Eating Like Shit. The government should not be interrupting your right to choose. It is your body and you can do what you want with it. Land of the free, motherfuckers.

So stand up for yourselves. It's not your fault that we've regulated our environments so you're never hot or cold. It's not your fault that you don't need to walk to get anywhere. It's not your fault that every soda in this country has enough sugar to kill a baby kangaroo. You are the victim here, you are the oppressed, and as such that leaves you two choices: either conform to the whims and wills of those who think they know better how to live your life, or fight for what you believe in. Oh sure, it may be hard, but nothing worth having is ever easily obtained.

Well, except fast food.

The ball is in your court, fat people. If you want to spend the rest of your lives buying separate tickets for each ass cheek, if you want to listen to your elected politicians belittle your lifestyle choice, and if you want to suffer through the indignity that is a healthy diet and regular exercise, just keep doing what you're doing, but just know that the powers that be are coming for your freedoms, for your right to be as much of a person as you desire, and eventually they will cancel Mike and Molly.

It's your world fat people; the rest of us are just trying not to get sat on.

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