>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
January 17, 2007

Nathan: What would you say if you could say anything you wanted to the United States of America?
Russ:
Thanks for baseball.

Hey, America. Look, I know we’ve never actually talked, which makes this letter a little awkward, but I’m one of your citizens (I’m even still allowed to vote) and I was wondering if you could take some time to explain some things to me. I know I’m not the brightest of your citizens—hell, I’m probably not in the top 25 percent—but I can’t be any stupider than GW. And he got to be president and order you around, so the least you can do is answer a letter or two.

I’ll spare you any more babble by getting right to my questions.

Why are you so fat?

Okay, I know we have very little public transportation in this country and as such, people are often required to drive, but I just don’t understand why we’d be fatter than say, Germany. I’ve been to Germany and their diet ain’t exactly the South Beach, so why are they so much skinnier than us? They’re fucking Germans after all. For fuck’s sake, sausage, beer, and chocolate are three of their main exports. I mean, what the hell? I don’t get it.

Why are you so stupid?

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for changing antiquated laws, just don’t fuck with my rights, please.”

This is another thing that I just don’t get. You’re one of the three richest countries in the world and yet one of the thirty dumbest. That’s like having one of the fastest cars and never winning a race. It makes no sense. Oh yeah, and thanks for that great public education, by the way. I’m lucky I can form sentences.

What’s the deal with money?

Seriously, how the fuck can it cost more to make a penny than a penny is worth? At some point, inflation’s gonna have to stop being mandatory.

Why can’t you stay out of everyone’s business? America, I know you think you’re here to protect us and all that, but that doesn’t give you the right to our privacy and our pursuit of happiness. We had a constitution, remember? It’s that super long document that used to make sense before people started fucking with it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for changing antiquated laws, just don’t fuck with my rights, please.

What’s the deal with Dick Cheney?

Come on, you know what I mean. Is he even human?

What’s wrong with a little nudity?

Now, I know that Janet Jackson’s nipple slipped on the holiest of holy Sundays and that 12 percent of viewers were bothered by it, but did that really mean that free speech had to suffer as a result? That’s weak, right there. Freedom of speech was what separated us from the other guys. Without that, we might as well be France without an army? Speaking of which…

How ‘bout you ease up on the Armed Forces?

They have worked hard enough and long enough. Give them a year or two off. Iraq will still be fucked up after they’re all rested. I promise.

And finally, because I feel I have taken up enough of your time, I have one last question for you…

Why do we have to be 21 to drink?

You know how much trouble a man can get in for properly saucing up an 18-year-old girl nowadays? It’s just totally unfair.

Thanks for reading my letter, America. I want you to know that though I may have come off a bit harsh, I still love you and I think you’re the best country in the world.

Which pretty much means the world is fucked.

Thanks again,
Nathan

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