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Love the woods but haven’t tried the beach? Love hard hitting interviews with big reveals? Just don’t know how to find a significant other? There’s something for everyone in this week’s edition of the PIC Newspaper.
A Keith Jeep Review: The Beach
By Keith Jeep
Hi all! I’m writing from a different place than usual this week. I just picked up my daughter Adi (short for Adirondack chair) from a music camp in Maine (America’s treetop!). It seemed like they did a lot of sitting still and even more being indoors, but it’s what she likes to do! Whatever makes her happy.
But the big news is that she asked to stay a few extra days in Maine and yesterday she took me to the beach. Now Jeepers, I consider myself a loyal man: trees and dirt have always been enough for me. But the chance to connect with my daughter Adi, who’s never loved the woods as much as I do (that’s fine! It’s her choice!) was just too much to pass up. And since I was there, I figured that I might provide all my Jeepers with my very own guide to the beach!
Here are my four favorite things about the beach:
For those who aren’t familiar, sand is like soil from the woods, but yellow. It’s made of thousands of tiny rocks, or miniature mountains, if you will. A little crunchier than soil in terms of mouth-feel if you’re looking for a natural snack, but it still works (if you’re willing to embarrass your daughter!). I made sure to fill my pockets with sand before I left.
The ocean/the sea/the big deep!
Boy is she big! For those who aren’t familiar, the ocean is like a salty lake, but bigger, and not contained. I had lots of fun running right at the waves and then sprinting away. Sure, I got a little splashed here, a little sprayed there, but she is our mother, and boy does mother know best!
Hermit crabs are essentially little friends that live at the beach. They are the littlest guys. Adi told me that hermit crabs live in vacated shells, and I was like, “Why didn’t I think of that??” I’ll be on the hunt for a shell large enough for the whole family when I’m back!
Also known as crabs, are bigger than hermit crabs. They have their own shells. While some fear these pals, their larger armspan and big claws only make them better for hugging (a hermit crab is better for cradling, and that’s very different)!
Although I’ve been a woods-guy all my life, I would definitely recommend the beach to someone looking for a short break from the forest. Just make sure to stay away from the jellyfish, who will sting you (but are still very much appreciated!).
That’s all for me today, Jeepers. But you’ll be hearing from me again very soon.
Collins Calls the Country: American Vignettes
The Big Reveal
By Jean Collins
Well, this wasn’t the easiest one to share, but I think it will be worth it. Here is my transcript for this week.
Jean: Hello! This is Jean Collins with the PIC Newspa–
Screwdriver: Hello hello hellooooo, you’re on the air with Kat Cameron and Screwdriver McGee, coming to ya live from WQBJ 96.6, the best and only radio show in Fishtown, Philadelphia. [Air horns play over a track of the National Anthem] What’s your name, caller?
Jean: I’m Jean Collins, from the PIC Newspaper, and I just wanted to ask you some–
Screwdriver: Jeanie the Meanie! The Lean Green Jean Machine. Jean, welcome to our little slice of the airwaves. Why don’t you tell ol’ Screwdriver a bit about yourself?
Jean: Oh, um. Ok. Where to start? Well, I’m a journalist. I was named one of South Delaware’s “40 Over 40 Names to Watch in Journalism” in 2017. And I’ve recently taken a national reporting job with the PIC Newspaper.
Kat: Ah, a fellow media personality! Always good to meet one of our own. What do you write about, Jean?
Jean: People. American people. People with heart, and soul. People who the glitzy hot-shot New York City publications might think don’t deserve to be interviewed. People like your mail carrier, your next door neighbor, or even you, Mr. Screwdriver.
Screwdriver: Well well well, Jeanie, today it looks like the tables are t-t-t-turned!
Jean: Is this—you said we’re live? I’m on the air right now?
Kat: Jean, you have over 800 Fightin’ Fishtowners listening in right now, and that’s not the only good news we have for you. You were our 1776th caller today, which means that you are the winner of two seats to tomorrow’s Phillies game against the Minnesota Twins. [cheering sounds]
Jean: I… I won?
Screwdriver: That’s right! This weekend, Caffeine Jean—Jean the Mean—will be ballin’ at Citizens Bank Park, along with one guest of your choosing. [cannon sounds] [fart noise]
Jean: Screwdriver I… I don’t know quite what to say. I don’t have anything prepared.
Kat: That’s okay, Jean. You didn’t know you were going to win.
Jean: I suppose I’ve… I’ve never quite taken the time to wonder about my own American voice.
Kat: Well it’s been a pleasure having you on the air! Congratulations again on winning today’s ticket giveaway contest. Now we’ll pivot to our next topi–
Jean: I just… I work every day to take humble American voices and elevate them. And for you to give me that same opportunity… It means the world to me. My dear friends, Kat and Screwdriver. Thank you for your service.
Jean: I hope that the two of you know that what you do is just as important as what I do. Because what you’ve done for me today… The joy you’ve brought me… It’s truly special. But I can’t accept this. Kat, Screwdriver: I have something to confess.
Kat: Uh, Jean, we’re all friends here at WQBJ 96.6, but let me remind you that we are live on the air right now, and that we also don’t actually know you, and that anything you say is going to be heard by a bunch of strangers who will probably judge you pretty hard.
Jean: I was born in Ottawa.
Jean: Kat, I love this country, and I owe it to every single American who’s ever read my work—who’s ever seen a conversation with someone just like them in a national publication and realized that they matter—to admit that I wasn’t born here… I’m not American.
Kat: Alright WQBJ listeners this has been today’s ticket contest winner Jean Collins!
Readers, friends, compatriots (by love for this country if not by origin): I chose to share this raw moment with you because it renewed my love for the people I share this beautiful nation with. Kat and Screwdriver are two of the most extraordinary people I’ve come across in this wonderful country—equaled only by every other American I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with. And they raised a question I hadn’t thought to consider: What do I have to say? What is unique about this American?
For now, I know this much: I am Canadian, I am ashamed of it, and I won’t lie to you any more. But I will be at the ballgame tomorrow, and I hope to see some of you there!
Sarah Reelwomin’s Dating Advice
By Sarah Reelwomin
Hey! It’s me again, Sarah Reelwomin, a human contributor to this newspaper who knows nothing about digging through trash to find hotdogs or, ideally, little green grapes. For my last column, I showed you how simple it is to be sustainable, by leaving your uneaten food outside, propping open the windows to your attic, and by putting a box full of small, raccoon-sized clothes outside your house. (Putting an inflatable pool full of milk in your backyard also goes a long way toward saving the Earth.)
I want to start by addressing some allegations from my last column that I might be a raccoon. This is NOT true. Just think about it. My name is Sarah, which is a person name and not a raccoon name!! And I have long blonde hair, just like a lady would—take my word for it. In fact, people often say, “Sarah, I’ve never met a woman as human as you in my life. In fact, you’re the furthest thing from an adorable rodent.” Their words, not mine.
Now that that’s out of the way, this week, I’m bringing you all some of my best date ideas for the summer. People always ask me, “Sarah, how do you find such great mates?” Or they say, “Sarah, I, a human being, want to hold another human being’s human hands in my own hands.” If you’re looking to ask a successful, dating woman, you’ve come to the right place.
Take your mate out to a nice restaurant.
Ideally one that serves really, really big portions of something a baby human could easily eat with their hands. So that your mate knows you’re a giving person, who donates whatever they themselves can’t eat, make sure to leave those leftovers in the middle of your driveway once you get back to your house!
Buy as many cobs of corn as you can.
Now, to someone who doesn’t know anything about romance, this might not initially make much sense. However, leaving raw corn cobs in your front yard is actually an ancient love ritual performed on nearly every continent. I know this because I read lots of books at the people library. Try it the next time your mate comes over, or, if you really want to get lucky, every single day for the entire week leading up to the date, and also leave out a pat of butter.
Go on a long, long vacation, making sure to leave your doors and windows open.
What’s nicer than a romantic weekend getaway? A month-long getaway! Though it might seem bold to take a new prospective mate on an overnight trip, I would disagree. Take your mate and just get out of your house. Just leave. It doesn’t even really matter where you go, just stay away! For added romance, leave your windows open. It’ll be nice to return to that cool breeze in your house. Maybe even add some small, outside ladders to your house as a fun home renovation.
Throw away your dog!
I think we can all agree that dogs are the worst! Always barking up trees, chasing innocent cat-sized rodents, and eating the food that upstanding citizens might leave outside of their house. If your mate sees that you own one of these terrorizing monstrosities, they will surely never mate with you during mating season, and you will never have any kits of your own. So throw the dog in the trash! Just throw it away! (However, just because you’re getting rid of your dog does not mean you should uninstall the doggy door. Seriously, do not do this. Do not.)
Renovate your attic.
You two can bond over putting in more crawl spaces. Make it extra cozy by leaving out lots of soft materials for nesting, like long grasses, hay, or wall insulation materials!
Burn the local animal control office to the ground.
There’s nothing more romantic than cozying up by the fire. And the bigger the fire, the more romantic it gets! Is it illegal? Sure, but you and your mate can be just like Bonnie and Clyde! Just make sure not to get caught.
And there you have it! My tips for romance. If you follow all of them, you’re sure to find a mate, in all likelihood a bulbous one with long claws! I’ll see you next week, when we’ll be discussing the best tips for new parents. Hint: throw out all of that baby food! (Into an accessible open-air trash can.)
That’s all that’s going on in the wide world of news. We’ll see you next week: same place, same time.
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