It's Saturday morning and you wake up in your underwear and a man's t-shirt. Something smells like vomit (it's you), and there is a condom stuck to your thigh. You roll over, open your eyes, and Carmen Elektra is staring you in the face. Calm down girls, it's a poster, and it's not one of yours.

Normally when faced with this situation you would go into automatic-pilot mode, piecing together the events of the night before and trying to pick out any clues as to who this poster belongs to, a.k.a. the person's bed that you are in. However this time it's different because—get ready for this—you know exactly who's room you're in. You are in your _______'s room.

“The overwhelming positive about hooking up is that if you do it with multiple partners, you are not obligated to tell any about the rest.”

Feel free to fill in the blank—that is, if you know what to call him. Well congratulations, for once you know his name, but could you tell me his label? Please, he's not your boyfriend; he doesn't buy you presents on your birthday or take you out to eat. Nevertheless, you do see each other pre-black out and you do spend some time together post hangover. So what is he? Are you together? Are you friends with benefits? Is he your pseudo-boyfriend? Oh, the pressure.

While it really doesn't matter how we define our relationships, it's the undefined that drives us crazy. So, for those of you drowning in confusion, I am here to help. And for those of you who are confident in your relationship status, don't be upset when you discover that all you've gotten is fucked—literally.

Fuck Buddy (n.) – A person you have sex with, no strings attached.

You do not speak to this person on the phone unless you are discussing a rendezvous point. You do not drunk dial this person, watch movies with this person, or grow romantically attached to this person in any way. A fuck buddy is the closest thing to a prostitute without the whole money and disease factor.

John called Sarah at midnight instead of seven because she is his fuck buddy not his girlfriend.

Friends with Benefits (n.) – The one person in your close-knit group of friends who you would fuck.

You are attracted to this person and you enjoy being their friend, so you sleep with them. However, they have a characteristic or two that would keep you from taking it any further.

Sarah thinks John is really cute, but he has really nasty toe hair so he could never be her boyfriend, he will always be a friend with benefits.

Hooking Up (v.) – Sleeping with someone for an extended period of time.

You can say that you are “hooking up” with someone once you have been sleeping with him or her for no less than one month (two or three recommended). You may spend some time with this person outside of having sex, however you are rarely seen in public together unless intoxicated. The overwhelming positive about hooking up is that if you do it with multiple partners, you are not obligated to tell any about the rest, because after all, you're not anyone's boyfriend/girlfriend.

Note: “Hooking up” differs from having “hooked up” with someone, in that the latter can mean anything from a kiss (with tongue) to sleeping with.

I walked in on John and Sarah having sex in the kitchen at Tri Sig. I think they've been hooking up for a couple of months now.

Pseudo-Boyfriend (n.) – A person you have sex with, some strings attached.

This person fulfills the basic role of a boyfriend without the full label. You might watch a movie with this person, go out to eat, hold hands at a party, talk on the phone. You may say that you are “together” with this person if you choose to, but you may not refer to them as your boyfriend or girlfriend. Along with the hooking up, the pseudo-boyfriend also has the benefit of immunity from mentioning any involvement in relations with other people.

John hooked up with Deirdre last night but didn't tell Sarah because he is Sarah's pseudo-boyfriend.

Unofficially Together (adv., adj.) – Two people who are off limits to anyone else, but who refuse to admit they are a couple.

You will always see these people together. They sleep together at night, they eat in the dining hall together, you see them meandering around campus…you may even walk in on them having intercourse. They don't like labels, yet everyone else labels them as unofficially together.

John is throwing Sarah a party for her birthday. He's not her “boyfriend” but they're definitely unofficially together.

Together (adj.) – Two people in the latter stages of a blooming relationship.

Neither part of this duo wants to grab the relationship by the balls and use one the real terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” Both of these people should stop being pussies and use the real terms.

John and Sarah are in a relationship. They are practically boyfriend and girlfriend, but instead use the cop out “together.”

Please use labels with caution.