There was a time, years ago, when you’d meet a romantic partner in the real world, and know immediately that your new companion was not Lakers legend Shaquille O’Neal. The TV behind the bar would show a live Lakers broadcast, assuring you that Shaq was currently a thousand miles away at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, not catfishing you into a date.

But now, Shaq is retired, American Ninja Warrior is on the TV, and you’re sitting across from a person you only know from a few selectively shared photos and a carefully crafted bio. For the fourth time this month you’re asking yourself: am I on a date with Hall-of-Famer Shaquille O’Neal wearing an elaborate disguise?

Here’s what to do…

Stage One: Acknowledging This Could Be Shaq

If you’re thinking “I can tell if someone is Shaq by looking at them,” what a Lisa Frank, cotton-candy, fantasy world you must live in. I can’t even explain how badly you’ve underestimated The Big Diesel. Do you think a four-time NBA champion would half-ass their disguise to the point where a layperson could identify them at first sight?

No, Shaq is already several steps ahead of you. So you’re going to have to somehow get a step ahead of him, and his steps are enormous because of his size 22 shoes.

Stage Two: Getting a Read

A poor actor can be easily outed. This is why no one has ever needed a “How to Know If You’re on a Date with Andre the Giant” guide. But this is Shaq, a man who disappeared so far into the role of Kazaam that years later, people thought they must’ve been watching acclaimed actor Sinbad.

With a thespian of this caliber, his tells will be incredibly small and exceedingly brief. Say confidently to your companion, “I bet it’s humiliating when someone slam dunks so hard they break the backboard. The player probably feels like an oafish klutz and they're afraid the other players are mad at them for wrecking the goal.” Before your date can respond, study their eyes. You’re searching for a silent, fleeting recognition that, for the first time, someone is vocalizing a truth they’ve lived alone with their entire life. If you see that spark of sad acknowledgement, it’s not guaranteed you’re talking to Shaq, but you’re not NOT on a date with Shaq.

Stage Three: Digging Deeper

You’ve got to stay a step ahead of the ever-cunning O’Neal. The next trap you’ll lay relies on finding a blind spot in Shaq’s deep and broad knowledge of the world.

One thing we know about the 15-time All-Star is, because of his tremendous size and considerable wealth, it has been decades since he has experienced retail, brick and mortar, clothes shopping. He cannot buy off the rack, and we can use this to our advantage.

“I think these clothing stores should start playing music for shoppers,” you’ll propose. “Something catchy that gets stuck in your head for days. Also, sometimes they could make the music really loud. Wouldn’t that be a great idea?” If this really is Shaq, he will be unaware that all the stores already do this.

“Yes, I think that’d be a great idea,” he’ll say, not wanting to reveal himself as a man who must wear bespoke, as no one else on Earth has his unique measurements.

If you’ve made it this far, unfortunately, it’s starting to look like you’re not on a date with your soulmate. Instead, you’ve likely, once again, been baited into dinner with the former MVP.

Stage Four: Laying Your Cards on the Table

It’s time to make the final move. Look over both shoulders, then, with a serious, businesslike tone, tell your date, “I have a product and I need a spokesperson for the commercial.” It doesn’t matter what the product is. It could be an insurance company headed by a cartoon military officer for some reason, or a cream that is somehow hot and cold at the same time. If the person seated across from you does not immediately rip off their wig and prosthetics revealing their enormous 7’1” frame and scream, “I’ll do it, I’ll endorse it!” then you’re in the clear. It’s not Shaq.

However, if they do scream “I’ll do it!” so loud the restaurant goes silent and everyone looks at you: I’m sorry, but you’re on a date with Shaq.

Stage Five: Acceptance

Look, you’ve spent this entire date trying to sleuth out whether this is Shaq only to have your fears confirmed. You’ve been so preoccupied trying to out the covert, seven-foot mammoth across from you that you’ve failed to realize you actually had a really good time tonight.

Sure, you never pictured yourself with Shaq—you always saw yourself with someone shorter, blonder and more capable of defending on the perimeter. But there is a reason the universe keeps bringing the two of you together. Open your mind and be willing to have a magnificent evening.