Do you realize that, once again, you’ve forgotten about the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party? That you’ve metaphorically spat in the face of all the brave patriots who risked their lives by dumping a shipment of tea into Boston Harbor on December 6th, 1773?

What’s wrong with you?

Do you think it’s just not worth remembering? Do you think the sacrifices of the Sons of Liberty, including Benjamin Rush, weren’t enough for you to care? Next you’re going to tell me that you don’t even remember the role William Molineux played in organizing prominent Whig meetups at the Old South Meeting House to sow the great seeds of liberty that grew into the American Revolution.

You’re such a Hutchinson.

You probably would have supported Lord North’s unwillingness to renege on the Townshend tax, even after former Chancellor of the Exchequer William Dowdeswell warned him that the Americans would not accept the tea if the duty remained. Or how Governor Thomas Hutchinson, the scoundrel, convinced the Massachusetts tea consignees not to return the tea back to England. I’d go as far to say that you would have ratted out the colonists who set fire to Maryland cargo vessel Peggy Stewart on October 19th, 1774 as a sign of solidarity with the Sons of Liberty.

Yeah, I said it.

But you wanna know something? That’s so you. Only thinking about yourself. You’re more worried about what the Kardashians are up to than the role Captain Phineas Stearns played in the destruction of the East India Trading Company’s tea. You probably think to yourself “Oh, if Captain Phineas Stearns, former farmer and blacksmith of Watertown, Massachusetts was so great, why did he never achieve the rank of colonel in the American Revolutionary Army?”

Because you dumb fuck, Captain Stearns voluntarily declined a colonel’s commission due to the ailing condition of his wife, Hannah Bemis, who by the way left five kids for him to take care of when she died.

You know what you take care of? Making sure you everyone knows you have the new AirPods. It’s almost as if-


It’s all become so clear.

You’re a loyalist.

The way you talk, the way you dress, the way you were posting on Twitter about how you felt the policies outlined in the Tea Act of 1773 needed to have similar authority and impact to those promoted in the Townshend Revenue Act of 1767 in order to appropriately reprimand the Whigs who opposed it in the first place.

It’s too late to go back and edit your post by the way, the damage is done.

It’s just…why? Look if you’re a French Huguenot I can understand, you’re still a little sore that De Lancey’s Brigade was disbanded in New Brunswick right when they were getting hot, and God forbid your ancestors were a part of the failed Jacobite rebellion in 1745 when the Hanoverian government took all their land.

It’s not like I’m a monster.

I just think you’re missing the whole point the Whigs were trying to make, you know? They were upset their constitutional rights as Englishmen were being violated. They wanted to seize their moment of independence, start a new, fair system that could reward all men without pre-existing ties to the Empire, make a stand against the people who h-

Hold on.

Did…did you just tweet “Yo S/O to Gov. T-Hutch for keeping it on lock in Boston against those tyrannical dogs?” #paulrevereiscancelled?

God why do I even try. You’re sick. You’re sick in the head. I’m wasting my breath anyway. Go back to watching your “sportsball” or whatever. Captain Stearns’s birthday is just around the corner and I refuse to have you ruin this for me.