To the federal government agent who's with my kid,

You are warmly invited to the first annual Flores family reuni(ficati)on party!

Now, I may have only crossed the border into the country a couple of months ago—after some pesky gang members back home threatened to dismember me—but I've already become quite enamored by the family reunion celebrations Americans like to put together. Such a wonderful concept! You sure know how to put family first here.

I'm aware most reunion organizers ask guests to please bring a beverage, or a salad, or a dessert that everyone likes, like funfetti cake. Well, I'm not that demanding! All I ask is that you remember to bring my child.

I also know that it's not unheard of for family reunion parties to be assigned playful themes, but truth is, I'm having some trouble picking a theme for our own little gathering. I think we are either going to go with a Hawaii theme, a Wild West theme or a My Child Is Now Traumatized for Life theme.

I think the nicest family reunions are the ones that are multi-day affairs (my overworked pro-bono lawyer fondly reminisces about the long weekend she once spent with her family at the beach, back when she had free time). Though we'd also certainly like to prolong the fun as much as possible, that sadly won't be an option for us. We hear newly reunited families are promptly deported.

Another minor downer: we're not really able to provide any party favors or souvenirs to our guests. But you won't leave our reuni(ficati)on empty-handed! I'm sure that you and the administration you work for will get plenty of praise for helping put an end to the human rights crisis you created in the first place.

On the activities front, I’d really like to get us moving with a fun game of capture-the-flag or an egg race, but I don’t know that my child will be up for it. Odds are he’ll still be a bit groggy after being injected with sedatives by detention facility employees (Esteban should definitely have used his quiet voice when begging for a glass of water!).

And don’t bother dressing nicely either, since I think we’ll be eschewing the traditional family photo this time around. Child psychologists say years might pass until I’m able to successfully reintroduce Esteban to the concept of smiling, and there’s nothing I hate more than a gloomy photo. Our reuni(ficati)on will be well-documented, though! TV crews will broadcast my guttural sobs and the painfully intimate embrace I’ll share with my child live on CNN.

Oh, and a quick note on T-shirts. We went online and ordered shirts with “Flores Family Reuni(ficati)on 2018” written on them, but it looks like they won't be delivered in time. Thankfully, some really supportive protesters provided plenty of matching shirts for us to wear during the big day. They are a cute teal color and they read “ABOLISH ICE.”

Please save the (court-imposed) date!

Thursday, August 30th
2:00 PM
LAX Terminal 7

RSVP with the ACLU: 212-549-2500

We have a “zero-tolerance policy” on tardiness!