Hello, and welcome to The Wachowski Home for Unremarkable Orphans. My name is Gene Wachowski and I am the headmaster. This is your orientation guide. It will provide you with all of the necessary information about your new home.

At The Wachowski Home, we believe that each of our orphans is generic and unremarkable in their own unoriginal way. The Wachowski Home for Unremarkable Orphans houses 24 children, all of whom exhibit no unique or magical characteristics, unlike the orphans one may see in popular culture.

You might be thinking, “Orphans like Harry Potter don’t really exist. They are made-up stories. Shouldn’t all orphans live in homes like this one?”

The truth is that all over the world there are tons of incredible orphans with extraordinary gifts and abilities. These talents range from singing to wizardry, with some orphans even becoming vigilante superheroes. These children have been recognized for their talents and have been personally selected to live in different homes or schools, which suit their capabilities.

Sadly, you are not one of those orphans.

Let’s begin with a rundown of the facility and its amenities.

Facility

Our Home is located in deep in the majestic, Hocus-Pocus Forest. Once you’re there, follow the lightning bug arrows, which will lead you directly to Miss Penelope’s Estate for Curious Foundlings. But don’t stop yet, walk another two miles north until you start smelling a swampy, mucky scent in the air. Soon you will see the rotten oak facade of our cozy cabins and the sparkling, aluminum roof our cafeteria.

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This renovated 70’s cult commune is where you will now call home!

Wachowski Wisdom: If you see the Victorian towers of the Ben and Jerry’s Orphanage for New Ice Cream Flavor Development, you have gone too far.

Living Arrangements

Each resident will share a cabin with four other children in either A, B, C or E cabin. Sure, we could have given the different wings fun, creative names like Cloud Magic, Dream Mountain, or whatever, but what do you think this is, Miss Penelope’s Estate?

Food

Three nutritious meals, along with a snack, will be served every day. Also, do not even try to be cute and sing the “A Little More, Please!” tune from Oliver! We already know that you are not an actor. The orphan who is capable of performing that scene is already at Juilliard.

Wachowski Wisdom: If you find a sealed bottle labeled “Dr. Yogi Kool-Aid,” DO NOT drink it!

Education

Due to insufficient state funding, we cannot afford all the aspects of a traditional education. However, at The Wachowski Home, we like to see this as an opportunity, not a constraint. We take a unique approach to educating outside of the classroom, and in the real world, providing our orphans with skills they can use once they leave the home.

One of our most popular courses that we encourage, but NOT require, is for our orphans to form pickpocket teams in the neighboring city. These teams–or as the local police department likes to call them, “gangs”–build teamwork, loyalty, trust and account for 20% of the Home’s budget.

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Activities

There is a yearly dance; however, if you do not finish your chores and make your garment before the dance, you are not permitted to go. Most importantly, DO NOT gather all the mice you can in hopes that they will fashion a garment for you. They cannot. Mice are wild animals, not sentient fashion designers. This happens all the time, and the mice run rampant all over the facility. That is how we lost D cabin.

We hope you join your stay here at The Wachowski Home for Unremarkable Orphans.

Gene Wachowski
Headmaster

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