Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club! We were founded on the idea that the best way to bring out people’s natural desire to brawl is to post seemingly banal topics on a neighborhood discussion board. Before you can join the group, you just have to agree to a few rules:

1. You do not talk about the fights in person.

All fights must be virtual so that everyone can tell their neighbors exactly how they feel in a space where you can’t read tone and facial expressions. Interactions in person will remain passive aggressive, yet polite.

2. You must turn every topic into a fight.

Literally, everything. Here is a brief list of things that have been fought over in the past: cars parked in the street, cars parked in the driveway, cars parked at a business three states over, glowing restaurant recommendations, lemonade stands, artisanal pickles, weather, why they canceled school, why they didn’t cancel school, whether cats should be let out of the house, whether children should be allowed in their yards, and whether dogs should be allowed to exist.

3. There are no limits to the number of people in a fight.

The nature of our discussion board means that 15-100 people will typically join in. Dan will almost always be one of them.

4. You can wear whatever you want to a fight.

I mean, you are just at home on your computer after all.

5. Complete sentences and paragraphs are not allowed in the fights.

Do you want to post a 1000-word rant unencumbered by things like paragraphs and punctuation? You’ve come to the right place.

6. Every time you post something, your address and phone number will be added in big bold letters under your name.

It’s important to our members that when you dash off a reactionary online rant people know exactly how to find you.

7. Members must bring unrelated personal stories to a fight.

At least one person must enter every fight by sharing some personal information that is not related to the original post. In a normal fight club discussion, you might learn about medical problems, financial problems, or one of the many reasons as to why Dan’s wife left him.

8. Fights that go on for more than 30 days will be transferred to our physical underground arena that is modeled after The Colosseum.

You can reach it by entering the crawlspace in your basement that you were previously too scared to look inside. Please just sign up for a fight time on our shared Google doc. Fights will involve any people or animals that were referenced in the discussion topic. In the arena, feel free to wear any protective gear you have in the house (perhaps some shin guards or oven mitts?).

9. If this your first time at Nextdoor Fight Club, you must enter a fight within 20 minutes of joining the site.

If you don’t, you will be forced to enter the arena once a week to listen to Dan voice his neighborhood complaints to in person, but you won’t be allowed to actually punch him.