Parents Of Eastville Middle School,

Before you send me any more emails saying “this is misogynistic,” or “you’re gross,” or “they only do bikini car washes in episodes of sexually gratuitous mid-90’s sitcoms,” I want to let you know where we currently stand.

We have fifteen male students who require reconstructive surgery.

The administration has regrouped on this and has come to the only logical decision we could think of: we will be holding another bikini car wash to raise money for all the horny boys who accidentally bit their index finger knuckles off during the last bikini car wash.

I know what you are probably saying right now—how on Earth do you think holding another bikini car wash is appropriate when we haven’t even cleaned up all of the blood from the last one? Well, allow me answer that for you in the fashion of a bulleted outline.

Who Are We Raising Money For? The Horny Boys Who Accidentally Bit Their Index Finger Knuckles Off During The Recent Bikini Car Wash.

What Will We Be Doing To Raise The Money? A Bikini Car Wash, Again.

So yeah, elephant in the room—the first one did not go exactly as planned.

Again, the events that transpired that day were no one's fault—especially not mine. There was no way for anyone to know this would happen—especially not me.

As you all know, paramedics did everything they could to reattach the knuckles in question. However, the students made this all but impossible—as they grabbed onto lamp posts, cars, and whatever they could get their mangled hands on so that they could stay and continue watching.

I also want to take this time to tackle a rumor that has been circulating throughout the school.

Many people are claiming that one boy in particular managed to summon the strength to individually kick each of his legs through the blacktop. That is false, just as false as the other rumor I’ve heard that the boys—all whilst biting their index finger knuckles—collectively shouted “Damn!” so loud it generated a shock wave that shattered all of the car windows in the parking lot.

The shattering of the car windows in the parking lot is completely unrelated to the boys biting their knuckles, leaning back ever so slightly, and shouting “Damn!”

When Will The Event Be Held? Past Their Bedtime.

Please reply to this email with your child’s bedtime so we can schedule accordingly on our end.

I am aware of the concerns being raised regarding a potential Pied Piper situation, where the boys might sense women wearing bikinis and begin to blindly walk the streets under a zombie-like trance. This is, of course, outrageous. Honestly? It’s poppycock.

I wanted to circle back on another rumor I have heard throughout the halls, and in the national news.

We are aware of the eye-witness accounts of a boy allegedly levitating in a Lotus style meditative pose in order to avoid being removed from the first bikini car wash. This is laughable and unequivocally false. This is also poppycock.

There was no mystically horny boy at the first bikini car wash and there will be no mystically horny boy at the second bikini car wash.

Where Will The Event Be Held? The School Gymnasium.

You can use the service entrance upon arrival.

This is not a security measure, so there is no need to be alarmed. The reason we are not able to hold the event in the parking lot is due to two extremely deep potholes that will require months of construction.

These potholes were not caused by a supernaturally strong young boy with an insatiable appetite for women’s swimwear.

Why? New Knuckles For The Horny Boys

This one should be fairly obvious—those boys need new knuckles.

However, this also has the potential to drastically improve our school’s reputation.

At the moment, public awareness of our school is at an all-time high. Unfortunately, it is not exactly for the right reasons. Between the viral hashtags #EastvilleBikiniCarWash and #LevitatingBoyInEastville, it is safe to say that the American public is not seeing the Eastville Middle School we all know and love. That is why we will be putting 25% of the proceeds towards a Promoted Tweet on Twitter.

We hope that after the second bikini car wash, #TheyPutKnucklesBackOnThoseEastvilleBoys will be trending worldwide.

From a PR standpoint, it is imperative that this bikini car wash be done in good taste; because of that, there will be no music whatsoever permitted on the premises—especially not Warrant’s 1990 hit song Cherry Pie.

This is not because we fear it may serve as somewhat of a siren song for the sleeping boys. The administration just believes that song to be, poppycock.

Before I leave you all to the rest of your day, I want to remind everyone that this is no time for pointing fingers. Pointing fingers at a time like this, when half of the 8th-grade class is no longer afforded that privilege, is both ethically and morally reprehensible.

With that being said, please keep an eye out for further details around our second bikini car wash of the year.

I cannot emphasize this enough: this will be a bikini car wash—nothing more, nothing less.

Best,

Principal Anderson

P.S. I also want to take this time to bid adieu to two of our students: Kevin Cleary and Jimmy Reilly. Their parents have decided it is in their best interest to relocate to another school in Langley, Virginia that is more equipped to handle their tremendous potential.

We wish Kevin & Jimmy the best at SFMHB—which does not stand for School For Mystically Horny Boys, despite what you may have heard.

P.P.S. I fear that this school is beginning to develop a serious poppycock problem. Let's get that under control.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.