The Sheriff’s Office of Addison County, Vermont, has proudly served the unincorporated township of Nelson since pastor and motivational speaker Isaiah Wilkinson mysteriously fled the town with his congregation in 1841. Things in Nelson haven’t changed a whole lot since then, but one thing that has changed is law enforcement.
Nelson’s two-officer contingent of Sheriff Paulson and Deputy Drew needs your help. Sheriff Paulson isn’t as spritely as he used to be on account of his gout (which aggravates that knee injury he got playing football in high school), and both of Deputy Drew’s wives are heavy with child, meaning that the Sheriff’s Office cannot adequately protect Nelson’s fourteen year-round residents.
We are looking for a dangerously ignorant white male between the ages of 25-40 to administer swift and brutal vigilante justice to individuals who may or may not have broken any laws.
Applicants should have:
- A poor understanding of conflict resolution
- A deep-seated persecution complex
- A familiarity with local hiking trails
The ideal applicant rarely concerns themselves with the limitations of reality. The person we’re looking for prefers to form their own wild theories about issues they don’t understand before acting upon them hastily and impulsively. Previous experience with violent felonies is a plus, but not required — training will be provided to the right candidate.
The ideal candidate for this exciting position should be:
1. Comfortable delivering savage beatings to folk singers, environmental activists, and Canadian tourists who have not been arrested or charged with any crime. A willingness to leave said individuals trussed up like Thanksgiving turkeys for Sheriff Paulson or Deputy Drew to find later is a major plus.
2. Able to prioritize workload and pursue multiple avenues of inquiry simultaneously, including (but not limited to) rumors and/or hearsay, questionable eyewitness accounts, and generational prejudice.
3. Prepared to engage in public games of cat-and-mouse with Addison County Sheriff’s Office for PR purposes. Please note that the successful candidate will not be publicly supported in the event of a scandal or tragedy, and that the relationship between the Sheriff’s Office and the part-time contractor will be portrayed as adversarial in local and national media. Any attempts to connect the actions of the successful candidate with Addison County Sheriff’s Office will be met with plausible denial of all such allegations, meaning that a strong, independent work ethic is essential.
4. Contemptuous of law enforcement and harbor a bitter, seething hatred for the wider criminal justice system. Priority will be given to applicants whose families were slain by flamboyant criminals with improbable names, and individuals paroled by the Vermont Department of Corrections within the past two years.
5. Capable of lifting objects up to 50 pounds, with frequent carrying of objects weighing up to 25 pounds.
Desirable Skills and Experience
In addition to meeting the core expectations outlined above, the ideal candidate will also demonstrate experience in the following areas.
Individuals who do not meet all criteria below are still encouraged to apply:
1. Initiative and the ability to work without supervision are highly desirable. The successful applicant should be comfortable making snap decisions based on fear rather than logic, grossly overestimating the importance of circumstantial evidence, and adopting a herd mentality without explicit instructions.
2. Experience using modern technology. The Democrats in Montpelier say they won’t accept reports written on potato parchment in maple syrup anymore, and Addison County Sheriff’s Office doesn’t want any truck with computers or electricity. Individuals with their own laptop and diesel generator are strongly encouraged to apply.
3. A degree of athleticism and raw physical power would be advantageous in this role. Northern Vermont is notorious for its treacherous terrain, and the natives are a proud and hardy people. They will not surrender quietly.
Are you the reckless, arrogant threat to public safety we’re looking for? If so, we want to hear from you!
Apply today for immediate consideration.