Words are confusing. Language is hard. My brain is real bad. That’s why I’m with the GOP in thinking that the border wall is just a metaphor. It’s just a symbol, folks. Trump doesn’t actually want to spend billions of dollars to build a giant wall at the border! On a similar note, any of the texts your husband sent me that describe the ways he wants to “rail me sideways” and “leave me walking like I’m a two peg-leg’d Calico Jack(ed)” were metaphorical and shouldn’t be interpreted literally.

When President Trump first uttered the words “border wall” three years ago, I nearly spit out the Cosmopolitan I was enjoying on the rooftop patio of your husband’s secret downtown condo. Of course, “your husband’s secret downtown condo” is a metaphor for “a random bar.”

“Sonofabitch,” I said to your husband, which is a turn-of-phrase that means “anybody within earshot” and not, as some might stupidly assume, “your husband.”

“What is it, sugar bean?” your husband said while massaging my lower back and ignoring your calls.

Again, we’re speaking in metaphor. This can mean whatever you want it to mean!

“Well, Trump keeps going on about his wall,” I said. “And while it’s obvious to us that ‘2,000-mile steel wall’ is a metaphor for ‘immigration reform’ and might even mean ‘a fence,’ people are going to assume that he’s referring to a literal border wall, simply because of the words he used!”

“Ugh!” your husband said. “I miss the days when people didn’t assume words meant the things they mean.” Then he turned off the TV in your shared bedroom and railed me like it was our last 22 minutes on Earth.

That last part could be a metaphor for anything. That’s the beauty of metaphors!

This isn’t the first time President Trump has struggled with people assuming he means the words he says. When the leaked Access Hollywood video showed Trump saying he “grabs women by the pussy,” America collectively jumped to the conclusion that Trump “grabs women by the pussy.” Nobody took the time to reflect on Trump’s words, tune out the voices that told them they were a bad and stupid person, and realize that Trump was using “grab ‘em by the pussy” as a metaphor for “take ‘em out to one of those new cat cafés.”

Feel a little silly for not having caught that metaphor earlier, don’t you? Imagine how much easier it would’ve been to hear, “When you’re a star, they let you do it. Take ‘em out to one of those new cat cafés. You can do anything.” By never taking Trump at his word, I get to avoid complex emotions, like empathy. This gives me enough emotional bandwidth to “ride your husband like a Clydesdale avoid thinking about his kids,” which is a common metaphor for “go volunteering!”

Let’s play devil’s daughter for a minute, shall we? Sorry, devil’s advocate. “Devil’s daughter” is your husband’s nickname for you, and it’s also what he calls me during our threesomes with his brother. (Metaphorically speaking, your husband’s a freak!)

Anyway, let’s say that Trump literally wants to build an actual wall at the border, even though there’s hardly any evidence that this is the case. If Trump was being serious, would I be compelled to think critically about what direction he’s leading our country? Learn more about the economic oppression in countries like Honduras, Guatemala and Mexico? Donate to organizations that are providing aid to migrants at the border? Do something that makes me slightly uncomfortable?

Sorry, but between riding your husband like a show horse and engaging in the mental gymnastics that free me from any sense of personal responsibility, I just don’t have the time for that. Also, don’t make plans with your husband next Friday. He’s going to be busy “volunteering.”

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