Dear Who-sirs and Who-madams of the Who-media,
We write on behalf of our client, Mr. Grinch. He has not been sentenced in a court of law, no not by an inch. Of stealing Christmas, Mr. Grinch is not convicted, even though this is what you all have predicted. But you in the media and the court of public opinion have Mr. Grinch on the docket. Any Whovians who want judicial due process, you say, can sock it!
At Mr. Grinch’s reputation, much mud you keep throwing. Are donations from unscrupulous Whos flowing? At the corpse of journalistic ethics, we all soon shall be crowing.
How long must they be punished, those who steal a holiday? Back to society, there must be a pathway! After all, the Whozits and Whatzits were all returned by midday.
While the wheel of unfair coverage grinds, Mr. Grinch may very well be one of the last free minds. In Who-ville, critical thinking is not valued as a trait. No, rumor and hearsay are given far more weight.
Media depictions have been downright myopic; who cares if Mr. Grinch is a tad misanthropic? Yes, he lives on a mountain outside of Whoville; but that doesn’t mean that he harbors ill will.
Mr. Grinch is an active community member, he just prefers celebrations outside of December.
So, let us remind you there’s no guilty ruling, in spite of this mob you all seem to be fueling. There are other societal problems on which to be dueling–what about the lack of funding for Who-ville’s public schooling? There is undue focus on these Christmas crimes alleged. Why, have you forgotten the money for the early literacy program he’s pledged?
Media smears have labeled the solitary Grinch an evildoer. Yet, tweets with any evidence are fewer and fewer. In fact, Mr. Grinch is boldly attempting to end noise pollution. Something hardly villainous, yet he faces such harsh persecution.
Much has been made of Mr. Grinch’s hatred of the Christmas feast; in fact, many of you call him a green beast. Mr. Grinch worried about the waste, he’s a climate protector. And of Christmas ham, he’s a conscientious objector. Take a lesson from Mr. Grinch, instead of calling him mean. His footprint you see is quite literally green.
So you’ve heard that his heart was two sizes too small. Well his doctors say it’s not a problem at all. You see, a slender heart is a sign of robust health, not a statement on his feelings toward The Who commonwealth.
On Mr. Grinch’s finer traits, the public’s minds just go into a fog. Ponder this: Who else in the world could create a reindeer from a dog?
In fact, Max the dog was actually a stray; his previous owner simply gave him away. Mr. Grinch adopted him from the Who-mane Society; and takes Max to a specialist for his Christmas caroling anxiety.
Then there’s the song you’ve been playing non-stop, the top 40 charts claim “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is “a bop.” Not only are its lyrics mildly obscene, we believe that it is just plain mean. The song says “he’s a bad banana with a greasy black peel.” Does the songwriter not remember that Mr. Grinch can feel? If the songwriter continues to describe Mr. Grinch as “stink, stank, stunk,” our libel lawsuit will be a slam dunk.
But for mob mentality, there is no quick fix. This is a Christmas witch hunt, complete with broomsticks! Cancel culture will not rest until Mr. Grinch is on a crucifix. We advise Mr. Grinch’s critics to leave behind your cynical politics. Look instead to his finer qualities; we’ve named at least six!
So cease and desist with all these lies and media attention, or we’ll sue the Who-media for so much that you won’t have a pension.
Mr. Grinch’s Attorneys