The first change is in regard to one of the responses. We changed the response to “The Lord be with you” from “And also with you” to “And with your spirit” a few years ago. To help bring in the younger audience, the flock is now allowed to respond to “The Lord be with you” with “OK boomer.”
The church used to offer the blood of Christ, turned into wine using voodoo, but now patrons just grab a small, medium, or large cup and can go fill up from the fountain drink station. The options include Blood of Christ, Coke, Coke Zero, Cherry Coke, Coke of Christ, and Orange Fanta. Free refills.
No more pedophiles. We promise now.
The bread of Christ now has some add-ons as well. You can get it toasted for free, add butter for 5 cents, or just get it not stale for 15 cents. No matter what you choose, super old priests will still try to put it directly down your throat with their bare ass hand right after they do the same thing to the ancient woman in front of you who looks like her spit is a solid.
There is now a small gift shop at the front of the church. You can get rosaries, novelty shirts, and those shitty Jesus-fish bumper stickers that used to just appear on Honda Odysseys after they became ten years old. Those really bright priest robes are also on sale, although they are back-ordered as the LGBTQA+ community ordered a bunch to make a super bright rainbow float for Pride.
You can now Tweet your sins, and a priest will reply with your forgiveness from God and assign your penance. It is believed this will be a good way to modernize Confession and allow people to confess their sins while also saving them a trip to Church.
Amendment: The last rule shall be struck from the record. Twitter is 100% sin. All the Tweets were sinful. We’ve had to put 387 priests in therapy. Some people were replying to the priest’s comments, calling them “kink-shamers” then other people would reply and call the initial commenters “kink-shamers” for kink-shaming the people with the “priest kink.” We assure you, being a priest is not a kink, it is a lifelong dedication to serving Jesus. Also, we do not know what a kink is, but you should not have one and you should avoid Twitter at all costs. Twitter is mostly sin, false idolatry, and a few actual straight up war crimes. If you want to go to Confession, you must attend church. Do not confess your kinks, either. God should not have to know.
The ushers will now just show you to your seat. They are no longer allowed to take part in the other practices of church. It used to be tradition that the ushers would lead one of the hymns from the altar. We realized that what we had essentially done was allow a Dad to sing loudly and poorly directly into a microphone. We apologize for letting this to happen, but they won’t be allowed to now. It has also come to our attention that the ushers were collecting money from the flock during mass. The church did not see a dime from that endeavor, the ushers kept all of it. We do not know when they started doing this, or who gave them those wicker baskets, but that is not a church thing. We get all our money from government bursaries and directly from the Vatican. We have so much gold, we do not need your pocket change. So, the ushers are now only allowed to show people to their seats. That’s what an usher is. We apologize for allowing the ushers in our church to consolidate so much power right under our noses, but it has been corrected.
This last rule is just that all churches must have air conditioning now. We have had a lot of complaints about “swamp ass” and smelly crotches. Our airy robes allow for a very nice breeze, so we never get hot, but we now realize that the patrons do not have this luxury. You’re all packed together, on hot summer days, in polyester pants so you look fancy for your mom, with no A/C. We apologize for all the “swamp ass” we have caused. Although, we would ask you do not say “swamp ass” in church, please. If your nether regions are uncomfortably warm, and you must tell someone, you can refer to it as a “burning bush.” It’s what Moses would want.