Exciting news: The Devil is seeking a Senior Advocate!
Are you comfortable speaking out of turn, when your opinion is neither wanted nor warranted, in order to defend causes or ideas for which you have little to no moral attachment? Do you dream of being the mouthpiece of Satan himself? Then you might just be the man for the job! (Unfortunately, we do mean this literally. We are not considering female applicants at this time. Please check back later for future opportunities.)
Intrigued? Let’s talk qualifications!
- Must have at least 5 years of demonstrable leadership experience. As Senior Advocate, you will oversee a small team of anywhere from 4 to 3,000 souls of the damned.
- Must be capable of commuting every day to our offices, which are centrally located in the charming Northern Pit. There are several ways to get here, including digging a very deep hole, taking the A train, or dying. You’ve got options!
- Must be a master chess player. The Devil is a big fan, and he is quite good.
- We’re very interested in candidates who have passions, or, as we like to call them, “side hustles.” We want to know who you really are! This will have pretty much nothing to do with the requirements of your day-to-day. It just gives The Devil a little chuckle.
- The ideal candidate will have lots to offer, and nothing to lose. Candidates with spouses, families, fulfilling lives or moral compasses will not be considered.
- Must have a very strong bladder. We don't have many public restrooms here in Hell, and no matter how strategically you plan your go, you will almost certainly have to wait in line. This should not come as a surprise.
- Must be a Harry Potter fan! The Devil LOVES to debate Potter theories, but please note that he’s only read The Prisoner of Azkaban and his favorite character is Ron.
- Must be willing and able to walk through fire. This is not a metaphor. Things get spicy down here.
- Must be a rockstar salesman! As the Devil’s Advocate, you’ll be jumping headfirst into the exciting and ever-evolving business of buying and selling souls. Picture that movie Glengarry Glen Ross, except instead of Alec Baldwin it’s, you know, Satan.
- Must be knowledgeable about the ins and outs of World War II. The Devil is prone to speak about it at length. It’s sort of his masterpiece.
- Must be skilled at navigating complex workplace situations, such as our parking deck. Due to ongoing construction, the parking deck requires one to make approximately 27 left turns and 1 right turn before reaching the first “exit” sign, which actually points in the wrong direction before correcting itself on the 17th floor, leading one down to the 6th floor where a sign that almost certainly wasn’t there before will point you clearly and efficiently to the exit. We’ve really been meaning to get it fixed, but let's be honest, we probably won't.
- Must have laser-sharp focus and be able to filter out any and all distractions. Namely, brain-melting heavy metal music. It plays constantly down here and no one knows how to turn it off.
- Must be proficient in Microsoft Excel. The Devil, as you can imagine, cannot be bothered.
We also offer a few exciting benefits, including:
- Complimentary breakfast every day in the company kitchen, consisting of everything you’re allergic to.
- A sweet panoramic view of Hell from our office, so you can gaze out the window and into the eternal flame. Plus, great natural light!
- Free dental insurance for the twice-daily root canals required of everyone down here in Hell.
- A 100% pet-friendly office! That’s right, here in Hell we’re totally cool with pets, with the small caveat that all pets must be ants.
- Daily team-building exercises, including a little game we like to call Everyone Try to Fix The Printer All At Once.
- Complimentary hot yoga! Simply strike a pose and, well, you’ve done it!
Please send your resume and cover letter to [email protected]. As a reminder, all candidates must be available for the full duration of employment, which is eternity.
The King of Darkness looks forward to reviewing your application.