Hi and thanks for purchasing a General Motors Model XR Time Machine! Our goal is to make sure you enjoy your XR well into the future (and the past), so we encourage you to read the full instruction manual before making your first journey through time. Below are some frequently asked questions with answers we think will help.

Can I Go Back and Kill Hitler?

Unfortunately, the use of our XR line to assist in a murder of anyone is strictly prohibited. Also, as we learned from our Model T Time Machine, there were a mass number of customers who ignored this directive and went to Germany anyway. Thousands of people from multiple nationalities were crowded outside major landmarks yelling, “No I want to be the one who killed Hitler!” This in turn led to the formation of roving street gangs fighting for supremacy to be the assassin of the future Nazi leader. Through the ensuing carnage no General Motors Model T customers were successful in an assassination attempt. Quite to the opposite effect, the chaos of the assassin rampages alerted the young Hitler he was in danger, and he managed to avoid harm. Might we suggest visiting Colonial times and shaking hands with a pilgrim instead?

Is This Why Hitler is Our Supreme Leader?

Yes. During the struggle to find a worthy person to kill him, Hitler stole one of the many time machines left abandoned and began to rewrite history for his own gain. Within hours he had changed the course of history to result in him becoming the Supreme Leader of our known world. If a pilgrim doesn’t strike your interest, use your new General Motors Model XR Time Machine to take the kids to watch Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel!

Will Supreme Leader Hitler Know That I Asked If I Could Kill Him?

Undoubtedly he will. After establishing himself as Supreme Leader, Hitler brought back technology from the future to create the Thought Crimes Police Division. With the aid of his captive precogs and brain scanning robot dogs, a mere negative thought about our honored leader will lead to death, or worse, permanent banishment to the Americas. The fact that we’ve participated in this conversation has put us both in mortal danger. Time draws near the end for each of us in these dark times as the relentless and terrifying robot dogs are rapidly closing in on our locations. In these final moments please, please, use your General Motors Model XR Time Machine to visit a loved one you never had the chance to say goodbye to.

Is the Time Machine Dinosaur Safe?

Great question! At General Motors we pride ourselves on a tradition of safety, and the XR line of time machines continues to raise that bar of excellence. Explore the prehistoric era with peace of mind knowing we’ve thought of everything! *Each XR comes standard with an electrified defense barrier built into a steel-reinforced frame to ward off the most aggressive dinosaur attack.

*Not effective as a defense for Hitler’s army of T-Rexes with genius IQs.

Wait, So The Time Machine Can’t Resist an Attack From Hitler’s Army of T-Rexes With Genius IQs?

No, nothing can. They’re an unstoppable killing force genetically created by Hitler’s scientists to breed terror and hopelessness amongst the last of the resistance. Their claws and teeth are made from an indestructible titanium. Their eyes burn red like two embers from the fires of Hell. They operate at 65 percent brain capacity and their ability to learn grows by the day. It’s but an all too true eventuality that these highly intelligent creatures from the past will be the new successors to the human race. It’s with shame that General Motors admits that mankind is a victim of its own hubris. That rather than learn from mistakes in our past we would attempt to erase them, thus not only dooming ourselves to repeat the past, but also be enslaved by it. General Motors is sorry.

Do the Seats in the Time Machine Have Seat Warmers?

They do! The General Motors Model XR Time Machine has three different settings. Warm, Toasty, and Red Hot!

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.