Thank you for flying Patriotic Airlines. As you know, our priority is your safety and enjoyment. And the key to safety and enjoyment is consumer spending. Specifically, our new Patriotic Airlines Mega-Patriot Credit Card.

If you sign up for the Mega-Patriot Credit Card, you will receive 50,000 Liberty Miles. They can be redeemed on vacation experiences, travel, and in-flight amenities. You’ll have tons of flexibility to book your award travel on any Tuesday in most Years of the Goat according to the Zodiac Calendar on the fortune cookies at our CEO’s favorite take-out place. You can also redeem your miles with our shopping partner, Why Did We Make This Home Décor, on any of their life-sized Steve Buscemi lawn statues.

And in the event the cabin experiences a loss of pressure, you can redeem your Liberty Miles on a guaranteed flow of oxygen to your mask for only 1,000 Liberty Miles per minute of consciousness-saving oxygen! If your bag has not inflated, it is probably because you aren’t a Mega-Patriot Cardholder. In which case, get ready for a long nap and the loss of a few brain cells.

Today we are flying a 747 that has had significant amounts of deferred maintenance because the free market told us that it was more important to hire celebrity cats to appear in our credit card promotion/safety videos. Celebrity cats make you feel safer than a new navigation system, and Patriotic Airlines cares about your feelings!

Another important safety feature of our aircraft: in the event of a water landing, beneath your seat is a compartment that contains a credit card application in a waterproof pouch. You will want to reach down and grab that pouch before you exit the aircraft because if you survive and sign up for the Mega-Patriot Card you will receive the “Shark Bait Bonus” of 10,000 extra Liberty Miles.

Customer enjoyment is a key priority at Patriotic Airlines, which is why I’ll be using this airhorn to wake you up at regular intervals with exciting new announcements about the Mega-Patriot Credit Card! Don’t miss out on this opportunity to join the elite class of people whose consumer debt was incurred on airline-branded credit cards!

Captain Johnson will now be walking through the aisles personally handing out credit card applications and shaking his head with sadness whenever passengers refuse to take one, because they are probably communists. During the Captain’s sales pitch, the plane will be flown by Gary Borscht, a Mega-Patriot Cardholder, who redeemed his Liberty Miles for the chance to fly this fully-loaded 747 with zero training.

The flight attendants will now come around to collect your service animals and children under the age of two and store them in the spacious, yet sparsely oxygenated, overhead compartments for the duration of the flight. But the good news is, if you want your tiny traveling companions to stay in the main cabin, you can make that happen by signing up for a Premier Mega-Patriot Credit Card. Only Premier Mega-Patriot Cardholders are entitled to complimentary storage of their animals and children in the portion of the cabin capable of sustaining life.

Gary, the junior high gym teacher from Poseyville, Indiana currently flying the plane and who—to be clear—knows nothing about aviation, just informed us that there are a lot of lights flashing in the cockpit. So please buckle your seat belts.

It turns out Gary was in over his head. We are losing altitude fast. Captain Johnson says it is too late to do anything to save the plane, but if you act quickly you still have time to complete your credit card application!

Our current Mega-Patriot Cardholders will want to use their exclusive member passcodes to unlock the compartments containing their floatation devices. Everyone else should just think buoyant thoughts.

We are now lifting the prohibition on cell phone use. You should call your loved ones. And while you’ve got them on the phone, you should ask if they want to sign up for the Family Mega-Patriot Credit Card. This would earn your household another 50,000 Liberty Miles to use on upcoming vacations. Or out-of-town funerals.

Brace for impact and make sure to sign up for the Mega-Patriot Credit Card now, this could be your last chance.